Repost

I have really had no words for how I feel recently. So, I have decided to replay some comments and a song from my sisters blob... because it does sum up my weeping heart right now. The Substance of Things Hoped For: How Are You? - an update: "It seems the 'How are you?' question is being thrown around more often now that we are hitting a season when apparently I will miss my mom m..."

Here is where I am...

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

You have to hear the real song...

Late... once again

Even though I live 1 minute from my school, I find that I arrive late almost every single day. Why? - you might ask...

As I was standing in my kitchen watching the minutes go by, I realized why... Because Dina and Dudley feel the need to begin eating their breakfast the moment that I pick up my keys to leave. And because they have just started eating - I feel really bad forcing them to go outside without breakfast.

So - what do I do? Stand there... and watch them eat.





















For those of you who know Dina, this is no small task for her. She has such a huge underbite that she cannot eat her food normally. She has to scoop it with her bottom jaw - then shake it down into her mouth. She also enjoys taking breaks while she is eating just to take a spin around the kitchen. I guess that is her breathing time. It takes her approximately 10 minutes to eat her 2 cups of food in the morning... which is why I am approximately 10 minutes late. And for all of you who say - well get up 10 minutes earlier -- remember the comment above... They ONLY begin eating when I pick up my keys to leave...

Veteran's Day Video

All of the pictures in this video were taken and compiled by David Hessell, a teacher at my school. Absolutely beautiful!

Get out your tissues...

I have watched this about 15 times today... and forced others to watch it too:) My heart still aches to see that smile.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

A collection of crazy thoughts...

Things are better. I tell myself that all the time and I don't think I am lying to myself. I smile more - I laugh more - I talk more - I forget more... I have more moments when I feel like my life is the same as it was 6 months ago. But it is not the same - and the little moments of breakdown remind me of that. The moment when I am leaning down in my closet putting up shoes and I start bawling for no reason. The moment when I accidentally reach for the phone and think "I have to call mom and tell her that." The moment when I get off the phone with my mother-in-law and cry because that was the closest mom conversation I have had in a long time... a long time? it has only been 2 months... I don't even know what a long time is yet.

I am used to getting things that I want. I am used to the idea that if I work harder, dig deeper, fight stronger - I will be able to finally achieve what I want. Even not being able to get pregnant - I still have the hope that it just isn't the right time. I can be more patient, pray more, try new things - and eventually God will bless me with my miracle. None of these strategies can be used to see my mom again - to have another conversation with her again. It doesn't matter what I do - what I want - what I need - what I pray for - what I scream for... she is gone and she is not coming back. I can't fix this one. There is no hope here. I hate that feeling.

I have heard people talk about having dreams about deceased family members - even being able to have a "conversation" with them in a dream or vision of sorts. If that stuff really happens, why hasn't she come back to talk to me. I feel angry about it sometimes. It is so stupid - I know - I am angry that I can't have coffee and a conversation with a ghost -- so silly. But if it is so silly, why am I still angry. Why wouldn't she want to come see me one last time? Why wouldn't God give me that one last glimpse of her? one last word? I need that so bad. I can't see her face anymore in my memory... I can't hear her voice. I can't remember her movements... Why did we never videotape? How much more will I forget?

All of this sounds too crazy... I think I will go sleep now with my puppy pillow.

Cinnamon Snot Ball

Today we conducted an experiment - please see report below for details.

Background Information:
Over the past two weeks I have been attempting to create my delicious breakfast coffee in a more "natural" manner...a.k.a. cut out the SUGAR! I remembered one time my mom putting cinnamon in her Starbucks coffee and it made it sweeter than mine. So, I decided cinnamon it is. Everything was going well. Coffee was sweet. I added more cinnamon every day until I started dumping about 2 tablespoons of cinnamon into the bottom of my coffee cup...but I was loving the outcome.

One day I came home from work and went to clean out my coffee cup only to find a GINORMOUS cinnamon snot ball in the bottom of the cup. I'm not joking here people. I am going to detail the scene for you - unscrew the white top of the travel mug; grasp the pink handle and tip it to the side thinking there is nothing in it (why would there be? I had drank all the coffee that morning); one hard shake (it's just my routine); suddenly a dark blob slowly creeps out and drops into the drain; wide eyes, blink multiple times to make sure I'm not seeing things, look between the cup and the sink multiple times, then set the cup down; gingerly pick up the drain stopper by the edge because the thing in the middle is covered by cinnamon slime; THE SLIME BALL DOES NOT SLIDE THROUGH THE DRAIN HOLES!!!; drop the stopper and turn on water...clogged sink from a cinnamon slime ball; dump cinnamon slime ball onto a paper towel and inspect it; throw out cinnamon slime ball.

After immediately deciding to not sweeten with cinnamon until this mystery was solved, sugar made a repeat appearance in my coffee. We (Becky and I) decided to investigate the cinnamon snot ball phenomenon through the scientific process this weekend.

Hypotheses:
Dad's hypothesis: when large amounts of cinnamon are added to any hot drink, a cinnamon snot ball will occur.

John's hypothesis: when large amounts of cinnamon are added to any hot, acidic drink, such as coffee, a cinnamon snot ball will occur.

Other possible variables could be consistent drinking motion, sealed container, presence of milk and amount of cinnamon.

Materials:
Keurig (star performer in this experiment)
2 K-cups
milk
5 mugs
cinnamon
water
cups
ice

Methods:
1 - after 4 mile run prepare 2 pumpkin spice coffees with the Keurig and sprinkle a dash of cinnamon on the top of each
2 - place 2 tablespoons of cinnamon in the bottom of 3 cups
3 - use Keurig and one K-cup to put hot coffee in cup 1; use Keurig and no K-cup to put hot water in cup 2; use microwave to heat milk and add to cup 3

4 - allow all cups sit for a minimum of 2 hours and observe
5 - place 2 tablespoons of cinnamon in the bottom of 2 new cups
6 - use Keurig to make a coffee and cool with ice to match room temperature water
7 - put room temperature coffee in cup 4; put room temperature water in cup 5
8 - allow both cups to sit for a minimum of 2 hours and observe


Results:
Original morning pumpkin spice coffees did not result in a cinnamon snot ball, and thus the variable of amount of cinnamon was kept constant in all further experiments as it was a factor. Sprinkles of cinnamon do not seem to create snot balls.


Cup 1 (hot, coffee) resulted in a HUGE cinnamon snot ball. Cup 2 (hot water) resulted in HUGE cinnamon snot ball. Cup 3 (hot milk) did not result in snot ball. It was still clumped, but powder when broken apart.
Please note the drain clogging ability of the hot water cinnamon snot ball. This was not an action shot - this was being held there for an extended period of time (my cell phone is VERY slow at taking pictures, believe me)

Cup 4 (room temperature coffee) resulted in smaller snot ball. It was not as stretchy or viscous as warmer counterpart. Cup 5 (room temperature water) resulted in smaller snot ball. Same as room temperature coffee. Milk was not tested in the cold temperature experiment as it did not create a snot ball in the previous test.

Discussion:
Neither hypothesis was correct. As it turned out neither the heat, nor the acidity can completely explain the cinnamon snot ball phenomenon. Pure milk did not create a snot ball, indicating the extreme basic nature of milk did not allow it to form. Water, which should be neutral, did. One possible uncontrolled variable is the pH of the water. In the future an experiment should be run using both well and bottled water, preferable testing all water and other liquids with a pH test. Another uncontrolled variable is the actual cinnamon used. It is possible that Aldi's cinnamon needs to returned for it's promised refund. In the future an experiment should be run using different brands of cinnamon.

Throughout the experiment we kept questioning how Starbucks could create a cinnamon dulce latte without a cinnamon snot ball. To finalize our experiment we headed to Starbucks and engaged in a detailed conversation with a brand new employee as to the ingredients in a cinnamon dulce latte. No employee in the store was aware of the cinnamon snot ball phenomenon because Starbucks uses LIQUID cinnamon flavor. However, we believe that if the CEO of Starbucks was aware of this the cinnamon phenomenon the cinnamon shaker would be removed from the counter as a sweetening option. Do you know what's looming at the bottom of your Starbucks cup?

Written by my dad...

My dad sent me his latest writing to post on this page. I truly hope that all of these thoughts, ideas, frustrations, and victories may find their way to the eyes of another who is struggling with loss as well...

I haven’t asked God to show me if Sue is in heaven, I know she is. I haven’t asked God if she is OK, I know she is. I have been struggling with the thought that I need to know if Sue’s life and her death was worth it. Especially the last 8 years starting with her cancer. And mostly the last 6 months since her bone marrow transplant. I had another revelation lying in bed this morning. I can’t say that it is God speaking to me, It just feels like all my knowledge and the things I’ve experienced and things I already know have been focused to one point to answer the question I’ve been waking up with for the last month. Yes! It is worth it. If just one person comes to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ through Sue’s struggles, through my pain, through my children’s suffering, IT IS WORTH IT. God uses our experiences and other people in life to bring us to a place where we will see that Jesus is the only answer to the problems we are having. Before you are saved it’s all about you and what you need to come to that point when you realize that you need God. After you accept Jesus into your heart, you ask him to take control and you give him your life……..YOU GIVE HIM YOUR LIFE. From this point on it’s not about you any more, it’s about GOD. All your struggles, all your talents, all your good days, all your bad days, all your weaknesses, all your strengths, all your sorrow and all your joy will be used for the glory of God. Your life belongs to him and he will use it in the most efficient way to bring more people to that same place that you had to come to, THAT YOU MAY BE SAVED. Count all your life experiences, good or bad, as blessings that will bring other souls into Christ. I still have this mountain to climb. I still have the pain to endure. I still have my fears to conquer, but now I know IT IS WORTH IT.

Slipping away...

Over a month has passed now and I have found that all of the emotions that once swam inside my brain have all stopped... the anger, the pain, the frustration, the confusion have all settled down and ended with just pure sadness and loss. I ache for her to badly - just for one more moment with her. Knowing that after that moment - I would ask for another. This sadness is so deep that I cannot even express it in my own words. Yet - I have found one person that can put my exact thoughts into words... CS Lewis. I have been reading his book A Grief Observed and some of his ramblings are word for word what I would have said - if I only had the words. And so... my post today comes from the words of CS Lewis - but are my thoughts and feelings, and maybe some of your thoughts and feelings too that you have never been able to express.

"I am thinking about her always. Things of the mom facts - real words, looks, laughs, and actions of hers. But it is my own mind that selects and groups them. Already, less than a month after her death, I can feel the slow, insidious beginning of a process that will make the mother I think of into a more and more imaginary woman. Founded on fact, no doubt. I shall put in nothing fictitious (or I hope I shan't). But won't the composition inevitably becomes more and more my own? The reality is no longer there to check me, to pull me up short, as the real mom so often did, so unexpectedly, by being so thoroughly herself and not me.

Today I had to meet a man I haven't seen for ten years. And all that time I had though i was remembering him well - how he looked and spoke and the sort of things he said. The first five minutes of the real man shattered the image completely. Not that he had changed. On the contrary. I kept on thinking, "Yes, of course, of course. I'd forgotten that he thought that - or disliked this, or knew so and so - or jerked his head back that way'. I had known all these things once and I recognized them the moment I met them again. But they had all faded out of my mental picture of him, and when they were all replaced by his actual presence the total effect was quite astonishingly different from the image I had carried about with me for those ten years. How can I hope that this will not happen to my memory of my mother? That it is not happening already? Slowly, quietly, like snow-flakes - like the small flakes that come when it is going to snow all night - little flakes of me, my impressions, my selections, are settling down on the image of her. The real shape will be quite hidden in the end. Ten minutes - ten seconds - of the real mom would correct all this. And yet, even if those ten seconds were allowed me, one second later the little flakes would begin to fall again. The rough, sharp, cleansing tang of her otherness is gone."

to make a difference...

It is always awe inspiring to watch stories about people who make a difference. I see these stories on the tv, hear about them from friends, and occasionally go to an event that is held for that one special person that means so much to many...

Last night, I got to be that special person - and it brought two hours of pure joy to my life. John and I headed out to our Special Olympics soccer practice as normal last night - I was ready to watch him coach his team for an hour and then head to Wendy's for our traditional meal after practice. But when we arrived, the athletes and families were setting up for a picnic dinner!! I was completely confused and kept asking what was going on -- but only got the answer... "It's a surprise."

Pretty soon, we were all seated and one of our athletes, who had just been inducted as a global messenger for Special Olympics, stood up and gave the most wonderful speech! He brought everyone in the place to tears as he recounted the first day I met him at his workplace and asked him to play basketball for Special Olympics... He went on to tell about how this organization has changed his life.

As I sat there, I looked around and saw the Special Olympic athletes that had become a family. One of the athletes said that it kind of feels like a club he gets to go to where everyone is his friend and everyone accepts him. I see the changes these last four years have brought in not only all of the athletes, but also their families who have people to rely on and bond with - who have others who understand their fight as a family with a member who has special needs.

I love them -- I love them all because they have become part of my family too. It is funny that I see it as a place where I am happy and accepted too -- I can just sit and feel that pure innocence and love of everyone that surrounds me when I am with my Special Olympics family.



Through his speech, the athlete told me how much of a difference I have made to Caldwell County and the families involved in Special Olympics. But really -- they have made a difference in me. I will never forget my years in charge of Special Olympics Caldwell County. I will never forget the day I said. "Sure, I will take over as local coordinator." I will never forget how many hours of work and prayer I put into our county to build up the sports. But - more importantly - I will NEVER forget this family.

If you have never been involved in this organization - try it - because it can change your life.

Thank you Caldwell County Special Olympic athletes and families for making all the difference in my life... you are cherished.

Cry for the day

Ever since my mom died, Nikole hasn't been up to going to her usual church hangout on Sunday night and Wednesday nights. I didn't think anything about it because she has been a lot more clingy to family recently, and I completely understand - because I am too. So tonight, I asked her if she was going to church and she emphatically told me..."NO! I'm staying home with dad."

Later this evening, my dad asked her if she wanted to go to church and she replied with the same comment. He told her that it was okay if she wanted to go. Her precious reply was...

"Then you would be home all alone."

Page 72

For those of you who are unaware of the circumstances in my life since my last post, let me just throw this out there... my mom died. She died on August 19th at approximately 8:15... I say "approximately" because I don't really know exactly when her physical body died and her spiritual body headed for heaven. I'm not sure if it when I watched her take her last breath, when I saw her lips begin to whiten, when the heart monitor line actually went straight, or when the doctor looked at all of us, nodded, and quietly mouthed the words "she's gone."

All of this happened so quickly, and yet took so long at the same time. I really don't even feel the need to go into how all of the events transpired that left me sleeping on the hospital floor for 3 days, repeatedly kissing and smelling her loving hand each time I left the room just in case she died while I was gone, and eventually sitting exhausted at her left side as I watched her earthly life fade away. It took only 4 days... 4 days from the Sunday afternoon that the doctor told us there was really nothing more that he could do... 4 days for the anti-rejection medicine that was supposed to save her to kill her... 4 days to say good-bye to a body that I loved so very much, a voice that I heard every day, and eyes that I was drawn to from the day I was born.

And so... this now leaves me, three weeks later, looking through a book titled Good Grief, by Granger E. Westberg. (if you haven't read my sister's blog post - How are you? - now would be a good time to do that) And this book gives real words to the unreal feelings that I have every single day. So, today, I am on page 72...

"When we have something precious taken from us, we inevitably go through a stage when we are very critical of everything and everyone ... We spare no one in our systematic scrutiny of the event, attempting to understand exactly why this thing happened... If we talk to the minister and are encouraged to admit what we really think, one day we may say, 'Why did God do this to me?' or 'How can He be a God of love if He treats people like this?' With Thomas Carlyle we cynically say, 'God sits in His heaven and does nothing.' While we are in this mood, we look at everyone with a jaundiced eye."

Heading out of the valley.

Well, I finally feel as if I am walking out the other side of the valley. God has shown me His faithfulness, His strength and His power and truth during these trials that I have faced over the past few months. I am honestly and changed person becase of what God has led me through and although it has hurt to very much - I made it with Him by my side.

My miscarriage: I learned that I CAN place all of my hope in God. I CAN trust Him for a miracle and I will not be crushed even if that miracles does not come to pass. I can believe that He will grant me a miracle, and if he doesn't, I know that He will hold my hand until I come to the other side.

John's absence: I learned that God is the only one that I can lean on. John was such a huge support to me in all ways - and although he is meant to be my earthly support, God is the only one that can carry me through my trials. I have grown to love and cherish my alone time with God - which I have to say often competed with my alone time with John in the past and I know that this time must continue even when John returns. It is necessary to have time with my Daddy.

Healing and death: I learned that God can provide for ALL! He is the all-sufficient. At the beginning of my mom's trial, I would try to bargain for her life. I constantly asked God what he wanted from me in order for her to be saved. Then, I remember at one point in her battle thinking that her life would be taken in replacement of another. I felt like maybe I should be willing to give up a miracle for my mom in the hopes that my sister-in-law could have the miracle. I remember thinking that my mom's miracle should go to her instead. I felt like if she could have that miracle then it would be okay for my mom not to have it. I would bargain the same way for a 25 year old man that I never knew - the husband of an old high school friend. His life was just beginning when he died from cancer. As he was battling during the last months of his life, I remember thinking - God - take my mom's miracle and give it to him. So - finally God said to me - "I can give all three a miracle if I want to! I don't have a limit on the miracles that I can provide. If I don't give a miracle, it is because I chose not to - not because one person had to sacrifice for the sake of another."

The journey: So much more happened on my journey in the valley and so many more lessons were learned. I feel as if I have been tested - but I learned these lessons despite the pain and despite the trial. I learned that God's way is best no matter what I understand. I still don't understand why He gives and takes - but I know that He stays with me no matter what happens.

I can feel myself climbing the last few steps out of my valley. God is still with me - but He is walking next to me now and no longer carrying me. I am stronger - I trust Him more - and I am MORE faithful. And although I am not completely out of that valley yet - God has taught me to be joyful in the valley. To place my joy in Him - and not where I am in the world.

And now my heart and I are sweetly singing-

Singing without the sound of tuneful strings;

Drinking abundanct waters in the desert;

Crushed, and yet soaring as on eagle's wings.

S. P. W.

THE RESULTS ARE IN!!!!

I first have to apologize to all of you for not updating my blog in forever! I have returned back to NC and spend the last two weeks teeting on the edge of a complete nervous breakdown. Why??? I really don't know. I guess everything that has happened over the past two months has finally begun to sink in. Before, the hustle and bustle kept my mind off of everything - but it had to be dealt with sooner or later I guess. So between the grad school, teaching, training for the 1/2 marathon, coaching track, and attempting to get my jewelry business started again - the miscarriage, transplant, and John's absence has finally hit home (and watching The Time Traveler's Wife did NOT help!! - I am seriously traumatized by that movie.)

Ugh - I could cry just looking at that picture. So - my blog has taken a back seat to real life - which gets better every day. I have found my new solice in the actual physical act of teaching my students in school. When I am working with my kids, nothing else matters. I feel like the only thing that is important is their happiness, their learning, and just THEM! They become my everything and the stress of life drifts away in their smiles and laughs. I LOVE making them laugh and enjoy life. Their hugs and silly comments are medicine to my soul. I wish that I could post pictures of their beautiful faces - but we all know this would be COMPLETELY against privacy rights. And so, all I can do is apologize to you all that you do not get to experience what I do each day in my classroom because it is WONDERFUL!!!! (Well - Monte, Sylvia, and Becky get to experience it - they are lucky too:)

Now - on to the best news of all. As I was sitting under the dryer at the hairdresser today (hehe - I finally got my hair cut!!!! and I love it short), I get a call from my sister. When I answer the phone she says, " I have two words for you . . . 100% donor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Well - I guess that is more like three words - but I just realized that. My mom's DNA results came back and ALL of her DNA is MINE!!!!! I don't really know if you even know about the test - but to make a long story short - the doctors did a DNA test to determine if my stem cells were actually grafting and working. Her counts were going up - but we did not know whose cells were causing this rise -- and YEAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! - it is me:) So - although I am still trying to wrap my head around the idea that my mom and I have the exact same DNA (because that is a little weird - don't you think?) I am sooooooooooooooo SUPER excited because it worked. It really worked!!!

So - my mom has been released to start shopping, eating out, getting massages, and living life again! And she even gets to go back to work in May! I just can't even believe it and I am still just basking in the miracle that I was able to witness. God is so amazing and I am forever humbled by what he gives to his children.

PS - my haircut looks super cute - well, at least I think so - but I am a bit partial I guess!

Thoughts on being a housewife . . .

I am typically a very very busy person - almost to the point of being so busy that it isn't really healthy to my relationships. I work a full time job, I work a part-time job, I run Special Olympics for my county (another part time volunteer position), and I am currently pursuing my master's degree. So obviously I do have alot of extra time in my schedule to be a wife . . . This sounds weird but it is sadly true.

So over the past three weeks here in PA, I am obviously not working my full time job, I am not working my part time job, and I have not been running Special Olympics (with the exeption of some odd email here and there for my Bball teams). And although my husband is at boot camp, my mom is currently - hmmm . . . how to phrase it . . . on hiatus by doctors orders when it comes to cooking, cleaning, and running errands. So, my life has very suddenly changed to that of a housewife (despite the fact that I am still doing masters program work). I know that many many people are very happy being a housewife, but it is just not my cup of tea. I have compiled my personal pro/con list of this lifestyle. Could I ever get used to it . . . maybe - but probably not.

Pros:
1) TLC, Food Network, and HGTV: I officially LOVE these three channels and do not know how I would get through a day without them. Cake Boss, Say Yes to the Dress, Challenge, Property Virgins . . . the list goes on and on! These shows get me through the laundry folding and vaccuming and have become my personal friends. I am really going to miss them when I go back to work and I have to say that I am glad we have a TV that can record shows (I just don't know how to use it).
2) Starbucks: Running errands is SO MUCH more enjoyable with a good latte in hand. Thankfully, there is now a Starbucks in Shrewsbury, which happens to be where the Walmart, pet store, and grocery store are located. It is also close to the church AND the YMCA where I run Nikole for many activities! How perfect!

3) I am really struggling to come up with a third number - I feel that I should have a third, but I just don't.

Cons:

1) Cooking: I am a TERRIBLE cook - I am not joking you to say that I really am bad at it. I feel so bad that my father has had to go from my mom's cooking to my cooking - that is really sad! John cooks at our house thankfully, but that does not help my dad out at all. Thank goodness for Mignano Brothers - the super tasty pizza shop right down the road.

2) Cleaning: I HATE cleaning and I don't think I am really good at that either. I mean I can clean - but I don't know what to use for what. I used a swiffer duster today to clean the wooden floors in the living room -- I mean it doesn't seem like I should have used that but I really don't know what else to use!!! At home in NC, I had to hire a housecleaner for a couple of months JUST so I could learn what materials clean what - oh that is so so sad.

3) Grocery Shopping: WAY too many options at these grocery stores. Like, I just want chicken - there are too many chicken parts, fresh or frozen, and 3 brands of each of these! I just stand there staring at the chicken for like 10 minutes until I get so frustrated that I don't even buy any. I know this sounds NOT normal - and I acknowledge that it is not normal - but it is really what happens to me. That is why at home I shop at ALDI! I love that store because there is only ONE brand of everything - it is perfect for me:)

I am sure there are other things to being a housewife - but I don't even know about them. The only think I think I am good at doing is laundry. So, at least my mom, dad, Nikole, and I will have clean clothes.

All in all, I think I am really good at my full-time and part-time job. I am good at my part-time volunteer position and I am good at what I do in school. But, sadly, I am just not at being a housewife. Sorry John:)

Blizzard Pics!!!

Well, within the past week, we have had over 40 inches of snow here!!!! I have not seen this much snow in such a long time and let me tell you the dogs LOVE it! Here is a little picture progression of our week of snow . . .
As the snow started, my mom and dad bedded down in a hotel in Baltimore about 1 mile from the hospital. We knew that they would not be able to drive from our house to the hospital, so we hoped that they would at least be able to walk there if needed.Back in PA, we started the snow removal process. We had to keep the deck clear so that the dogs could have a place run outside to go to the bathroom. My parents older dog will go to the bathroom on the deck if it is covered with snow.

This is what the front of our house looked like 2 days later. We were completely snowed in!!! My dad called and told us that he wanted us to attempt to shovel out the cars. So, I got ready to head out . . .




After just a short bit, I called my dad and asked him how he expected me to do this!! It was like an impossible task!


But, after a lot of hard work and determination, here was my final product! I was so proud of myself.


In the end, I think we had about 25 inches of snow in those two days. Then, two days later, the snow started again! This time, the doctor gave us permission to give mom her shot from the house so we did not have to drive up to the hospital. As we shoveled, played, and shoveled, the inside crowd watched HGTV, TLC, and the food network:)


Here is my dad ON TOP OF OUR POOL!!!

The most fun part of this blizzard was helping the dog forge trails in the snow! They wanted to run in the snow, but it came up over their head. So, we walked around the yard to create trails for them. Here are some of our play pics:)

I had to throw poor Dina into the snow bank just to see how tall it was!!! She would swim out! It was so funny.

This is my FAVORITE picture of my boy! He loved chasing the birds through the trails! He would run and then poke his head up over the snow bank like a meer cat to see where he was then get back down and keep running:)
Of course we would come in occasionally for some snow breaks:)





Here is me and Tootsie hiding in one of the tunnels and staying warm! The wind was crazy!

At the end of each play session, we had to actually bathe Kaylynn in hot water because this is what she looked like!!! The snow caked to her and made snowballs that clung to her hair!


Ahhh , at the end of the second storm, we had seen another 20 inches of snow! So, my dad is once again preparing to dig out the cars, the dogs are probably out for the night, I am going to make dinner and watch a little "Say Yes to the Dress", and my mom powers on while relaxing in the bed.

And one more piece of information . . . the weather forcast is calling for snow again on Monday:) I may never be able to get back to NC.

Sigh

That is how I feel right now. It has officially been 5 days since I left the hospital. There have been ups and downs for my mom. Ups including some nice conversations about food that she wanted to cook or eat and downs including some throwing up and a very late night trip to the ER after her first day of chemo treatment following the transplant. But all in all, things seem to be pretty good right now. We are sitting back at our house in PA, next to the fire, and everyone is home and healthy (well as healthy as can be expected) and content.

Becky and I came home yesterday afternoon, took a looooooooong nap, ate pizza, and then went back to bed while Mom and her friend Patty took on the last day of chemo, endured more sickness, and spent the last night in the suite next to the hospital. Then, Becky and I spent 5 hours cleaning and sanitizing mom's bathroom and bedroom and stacking the house with hand sanitizer so we could cleanly welcome her home this evening. She is once again looking quite perky and talking about food - which is our signal that she is feeling pretty good:)

And so . . . as the bruises on my butt get bigger and bigger (still unsure as to why that is), I guess it is about time to get back to the regular grind of life. Back to grad school due dates, daily hour drives to and from the hospital for bloodwork, cooking, cleaning, and sitting by the fire in between. For the time being though, half-marathon training WILL be placed on hold. And to top off the week . . . I got to talk to John for a whole 10 minutes last night!!!!

It seems that day +5 transplant brings a simple kind of content feeling. I have spent the day thinking about my husband, praying for an old high school friend, and talking with an old college friend. I thank all of you for your prayers for me - it seems I am healing up fine despite the ugly looking marks. So, it is time to turn our prayers towards my stem cells that are floating around in my mom. I pray for them to be strong and productive in their quest to take over my mom's stem cells and make their own white blood cells. Love to you all:)

In recovery . . .

Bone marrow is really really red!!! There is is folks -- my marrow dripping into my mom:)


Ahh, I am back among the land of the living. So the whole experience was really not that fun. And I really hate to say it, but before all of this happened I was shocked that anyone would not be willing to do this procedure for someone else. Well . . . I am not so sure I would do this for just anyone. For a family member - surely, but someone I didn't know, ummmm . . . I don't know about that.
I don't know if any of you follow my sister's blog, but if you don't you should check it out because she has a completely different point of view on the experience that I do. You can link to her blog from on the side of mine.
The day of surgery, I headed into the pre-op around 5:30 to get changed, do paperwork, get an IV, and talk to the anthologist. I currently had hives all over because I was so stressed about this procedure. When I finally got to speak to the anesthesiologist, my first question was - "So, do you know what you are doing?" Now, by this I meant are you planning on an epidural or general anesthesia - because I was going to quickly imply that general was the ONLY way to go for me. Dr. Lee quickly responded with the fact that he surely knew what he was doing because he had looked it up on the Internet the night before and he was planning on using general because that video was clearer. He was quite funny. I let him know that I had hives so that they did not think that I was experiencing an allergic reaction to anything - he ever so nicely gave me a shot of a little something that calmed me right down:)
I was finally wheeled into the OR where I vaguely remember meeting the doctor - I think I did - but that may have been a dream and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room. My blood pressure was LOW LOW LOW! They said that in the process of getting 1 liter of bone marrow, 3 liters of blood came out. Now as you remember I was only able to give 1/2 of a unit of blood during the donation, so when my pressure dropped to 60/40, they grabbed my measly 500 cc's and hooked me up. Slowly, my pressure cam up to 90/60 as I felt better. During this time, I had to use a bed pan twice which is something I never want to experience again.
Once I started feeling better, I got to actually start going to the bathroom - which was when the problems started. I could not get up and move around without throwing up. They tried like 4 different types of nausea medicine and nothing was working. Every time I moved, I threw up! So, this went on from 10:30 am (when I was moved to recovery), until 8:30 pm!!!!! At that point I wanted to LEAVE! I could actually see our hotel room from my bed in the hospital and my mom had already received my bone marrow and was in the hotel. So - I fought through one more trip to the bathroom to prove I was fine and then was discharged. As soon as I got to the hotel, I headed straight back to the bathroom to throw up again. So here is my mom, hanging out, feeling good after the transplant.Here is me right after arriving home.
The rest of the evening was very vague memories. I do have to say that I do remember my nurse like being an angel. The whole day I was in and out of awareness and every time I woke up I would see my nurse's face. Her name was Becky, so I have decided I have an angel Becky is all areas of my life ( home life, hospital life, and school life).This is the following morning.



So, by day 3, I am feeling a lot better. Still feeling like I have been kicked multiple times in the butt by a horse and the bruising is pretty grosso!!! But the nausea is gone so I am happy with that! I absolutely refused to take the oxycodone that was prescribed and I am just sticking with Tylenol to handle the pain. We are still here in Baltimore since my mom is going to and from the hospital daily. And . . . another note of interest, my mom did get the riggers after my bone marrow started going into her. My blood type is B and hers is O so she got the riggers (which is like uncontrollable shaking) during the transplant process and she had to be knocked out.

Here is the aftermath - which gave me a big butt look. Although you can't really tell in this pic . . .





This picture is really gross - but pretty cool. Do you see the holes? I had EIGHT of these in my skin. Ugh -- kind of makes me sick looking at it but it is part of the documentation needed!

So - every time the bandages are changed I still feel quite sick. I almost passed out this morning when we were attempting to get me into the shower - but day by day it is getting better. We are staying down here until Wed morning and then we will head back to PA for my mom to stay in seclusion in her bedroom. The nurse said that I should not do heavy exercise for 2 weeks which puts a big damper on my half marathon training - but so is life I guess.
Thanks to all of you who were praying -- but keep praying, I may be out of the woods - but mom is not. She is just beginning this battle.

Life as is . . .

Wow -- so I have to say that this has been exhausting and I have not even done the transplant yet. The problem lies in the fact that my mom is technically not supposed to be alone, but at the same time she cannot technically go anywhere. So, I have to wait until my dad and Nikole get home at 5:30 or 6 every night before I can go do anything or run any errands (which include training for this half marathon). For example, yesterday, I woke up at 6:30 to help my little sis get ready for school and then walked her to the bus stop. Now - walking to the bus stop is no easy task during the winter in PA -- it is like below freezing temperatures and we are standing there for 20 minutes, because unlike myself, my little sister is early for everything!!! So, after she got on the bus, I came inside to do devotionals and work on grad school until the cleaning lady arrived. Once the cleaning lady arrived, she took over my post as "watchdog" over my mom while she cleaned and I went to the YMCA to run. On the way home, I tried to stop at the jewelry store only to find out that they do not open until 10:00 am. I am still trying to get there to get the new ring that John bought me for Christmas sized. I got back from running, showered, got ready and we headed towards the hospital. We decided to have brunch at Craker Barrel because obviously going out to eat is NOT included in the "not going anywhere or being around people" clause that the doctor states. After our wonderful bruch, we headed to Baltimore. We stopped at Bank of America on the way so that I could cash a check - only to find that I had forgotten my ID in my dad's car from when I went to the gym the night before:) So, ring and bank had to stay on my list of things to do the following day. Finished the drive to John Hopkins, sat in a room for 4-5 hours while my mom and I talked, worked on grad school, and attempted to relax in a room the size of our car with a hard plastic seat to sit on - my butt goes numb EVERY day!
On the way home, I planned on stopping back by the Y to run in a see Nikki swim at her swim meet, but we were unable to make it on time so we just headed home. Once home, dinner had to be made. Now here I am going to say something that is going to shock you - but it is true. At this point in the day, my mother has MORE energy that I do. Like why am I more tired than a person undergoing intense chemo? Am I a really super tired person or is my mom a really super energetic person or is a combination of the two -- I would love to hear some thoughts on that . . .

So, I actually sat down to relax while my mother cooked dinner because I just couldn't do it anymore. After dinner, I went to the grocery store to get stuff for my dad while we are gone, picked Nikole up at the restaurant where she was having dinner with her friends, attempted to go back to the jewelry store only to find that they were closed again, and then returned home to tidy up the kitchen, put the groceries away, and keep working on the laundry. I sat down to watch tv for about 30 minutes, then headed to bed and tried to write to John a little bit before passing out.

Now - this same thing has to happen every day except that usually, I have to go run in the evening too because the cleaning lady is not here to relieve me. And I have to say - it is exhausting!!! I am almost excited for Friday to come because I will have to lay there for a few days and let my sister keep up the stamina for the daily activities!!!

Well, today, I just got back from getting coffee and having the car cleaned so my mom does not have to breathe in the dog hair from the back seat as her immune system weakens and now I am going to do my devotionals again and then prepare to head back to the jewelry store and bank before heading back to the hospital. I hope that at least today, I can keep up with my mom.

Gloves?

On Thursday, my mom had a Hickman catheter put in her to use for taking blood and getting her chemotherapy. Well, just to let you know, the catheter is basically a central line that goes directly into her jugular vein in the her neck. Yeah - you read it correctly. There is a thing stuck directly into that MAJOR vein. Then, the "thing" is run down her neck and comes out of her skin high on her chest. Here is a picture of it for better understanding.

Well, obviously this is a picture from the internet and not a picture of my mom's chest.

Anyway, today was the first day that we had to change the dressing around it. After kind of panicing inside (because I realized that there is most likely some blood involved), I doned my mask, washed and sanatized by hands, and took a deep breath. We both actually had to wear masks to do it. So, I pulled the sticky plastic thing off her skin that covered the entire catheder. At the same time, I kept making sure she was holding onto the line because I was freaking out that if I pulled to hard, it would dislodge the line and there would be a HOLE in her jugular! Yeah - that would be a quick return trip to the hospital.

After pulling it off, my mom took a peek under the dressing to check how bad it was and it really wasn't that bad at all. We pulled the dressing off - then I used this super cool invention. It was like one of those dish washing things that I sqeezed and alcohol came out on a sponge for me to wash around the area. I know that was stinging because it was alcohol going onto a hole in the skin :(

I washed it all up, then we put another type of prep on the outside where we were going to replace the sticky plastic thing. We did not have to replace the dressing because it was no longer "weeping", which is a really gross word. We sealed the hole all up in the sticky plastic and we pretty proud of our work.

At about the same time, I looked down to start cleaning up all of the materials and saw the gloves that were sealed in a bag - probably the gloves that I was supposed to use the do that entire procedure! I even remember thinking the entire time that it just did not seem like I should be touching all that stuff. I mean - we were wearing freaking MASKS for crying out loud and there I am touching the dressing and sealing it up in my BARE hands. So - at least my hands were washed and sanitized -- but I can be sure that I will NEVER forget to wear the gloves again!

My little miracle . . .

So, I cannot recieve any phone calls on my phone tonight because there is some sort of problem with Verizon in North and South Carolina. I found this out when I called tech support because three people texted me that they were trying to call and my phone was ringing with no voicemail, beeping, or doing nothing at all. I called tech support and they said it should be fixed by tomorrow morning. Well - John called me from a pay phone with no problem and I got to talk to him for like 15 minutes!!!! He is the only call that has come through to my phone tonight. . . So, thank you God for my little miracle phone call. You always come through :)

Personality Test

So, I just had to complete a personality test for one of my graduate classes this semester. Normally, I would not post such subjective information - but the accuracy of this test was CRAZY!! I was reading the in depth information about my personality type and it was like reading information that was written specifically about me!! It was hysterical and it really answered some the burning questions I had about why I am the way I am. Some of these questions were . . .
? Why do I put SO much on my plate at one time (grad school, running Special Olympics for the county, marathon training, building my own business, and a full time job in the course of time when my husband is in boot camp and I am preparing for a bone marrow transplant)?
? Why do I sometimes seem so very emotionally distant from other people - including my own husband at points in time?
? Why do I question if I live somewhere on the autism spectrum with my to-do lists,the LOVE I have for planning and watching the plan unfold, and my drive for perfection?

Well -- my questions are all answered! Here is what the test told me . . . (by the way - my personality type is only found in 1% of people in the world:)


Your Type is INTJ
Introverted - 78%
Intuitive - 38%
Thinking - 75%
Judging - 89%

Rational Portrait of the Mastermind (INTJ)
All Rationals are good at planning operations, but Masterminds are head and shoulders above all the rest in contingency planning. Complex operations involve many steps or stages, one following another in a necessary progression, and Masterminds are naturally able to grasp how each one leads to the next, and to prepare alternatives for difficulties that are likely to arise any step of the way. Trying to anticipate every contingency, Masterminds never set off on their current project without a Plan A firmly in mind, but they are always prepared to switch to Plan B or C or D if need be.
Masterminds are rare, comprising no more than, say, one percent of the population, and they are rarely encountered outside their office, factory, school, or laboratory. Although they are highly capable leaders, Masterminds are not at all eager to take command, preferring to stay in the background until others demonstrate their inability to lead. Once they take charge, however, they are thoroughgoing pragmatists. Masterminds are certain that efficiency is indispensable in a well-run organization, and if they encounter inefficiency-any waste of human and material resources-they are quick to realign operations and reassign personnel. Masterminds do not feel bound by established rules and procedures, and traditional authority does not impress them, nor do slogans or catchwords. Only ideas that make sense to them are adopted; those that don't, aren't, no matter who thought of them. Remember, their aim is always maximum efficiency.
In their careers, Masterminds usually rise to positions of responsibility, for they work long and hard and are dedicated in their pursuit of goals, sparing neither their own time and effort nor that of their colleagues and employees. Problem-solving is highly stimulating to Masterminds, who love responding to tangled systems that require careful sorting out. Ordinarily, they verbalize the positive and avoid comments of a negative nature; they are more interested in moving an organization forward than dwelling on mistakes of the past.
Masterminds tend to be much more definite and self-confident than other Rationals, having usually developed a very strong will. Decisions come easily to them; in fact, they can hardly rest until they have things settled and decided. But before they decide anything, they must do the research. Masterminds are highly theoretical, but they insist on looking at all available data before they embrace an idea, and they are suspicious of any statement that is based on shoddy research, or that is not checked against reality.
Alan Greenspan, Ben Bernanke, Dwight D. Eisenhower, General Ulysses S. Grant, Frideriche Nietsche, Niels Bohr, Peter the Great, Stephen Hawking, John Maynard Keynes, Lise Meitner, Ayn Rand and Sir Isaac Newton are examples of Rational Masterminds.

here is the website if you want to try the test yourself and post your results as a comment!

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

Bye-bye love, hello lonliness

Well, I must start out by apologizing that I have not posted the very wonderful news that I just have weirdo blood -- no crazy medical issues here:) When I arrived at John Hopkins the following day, they retested my blood with more tests - which was NOT just a little amount but instead 15 vials! The more in-depth tests revealed that I did not, in fact, have cancer myself. So - that was very releaving as you can imagine. About the time I found out the results of the tests, the nurse then gave me the exciting news that I WAS going to give the unit of blood. As you can imagine - I was overjoyed - yeah right:( I was happy though that the tests were back on and the transplant was still on the horizon. So - I gave blood with very little drama. I was not able to give a whole unit, but only a half unit until my little veins gave out. I have to say though that I was very proud of my veins for all the blood that they gave that day (good blood despite the fact that it may not be bold).

Now, onto the current news. My love has officially left for boot camp:( We traveled to Columbia, SC Sunday night, two dogs in tow, and got a hotel room. Had a very tired, but special dinner, and returned to the hotel for a couple of hours of restless sleep. After only 4 and 1/2 hours of tossing and turning, we got back up and I dropped him off at Ft. Jackson at 5 am then turned around and headed back to Granite Falls for work. Suprisingly the day went really good - but returning home was a very different story. It was like I just kept expecting him to walk in the door from work. It does not help me out that there are papers laying all over the house with his writing on them and a laundry basket of his clothing needs to be washed a put away. So - at least for right now, I will leave the papers where they are and the dirty clothing in the basket.

I am still trying to decide if it is better for me to be upset and cry for a while or to lie to myself that John will be home any minute -- I think I have chosen lying to myself - maybe not the smartest way to go, but it is what it is - right? The end of April is a long way away.

I just sometimes really question if I am strong enough to do all of this. Well, I KNOW that I am not strong enough, but God is. And I know that He is with me every step of the way. My mom is such a strong person - I have never met anyone as strong as her. And the good news is that my DNA is pretty close to hers - right? So, I just hope that her strength is in the portion of the DNA that I do have. I pray that God gives me a small portion of the strength that He has given my mom - because today was really hard and it needs to go up from here.