I am used to getting things that I want. I am used to the idea that if I work harder, dig deeper, fight stronger - I will be able to finally achieve what I want. Even not being able to get pregnant - I still have the hope that it just isn't the right time. I can be more patient, pray more, try new things - and eventually God will bless me with my miracle. None of these strategies can be used to see my mom again - to have another conversation with her again. It doesn't matter what I do - what I want - what I need - what I pray for - what I scream for... she is gone and she is not coming back. I can't fix this one. There is no hope here. I hate that feeling.
I have heard people talk about having dreams about deceased family members - even being able to have a "conversation" with them in a dream or vision of sorts. If that stuff really happens, why hasn't she come back to talk to me. I feel angry about it sometimes. It is so stupid - I know - I am angry that I can't have coffee and a conversation with a ghost -- so silly. But if it is so silly, why am I still angry. Why wouldn't she want to come see me one last time? Why wouldn't God give me that one last glimpse of her? one last word? I need that so bad. I can't see her face anymore in my memory... I can't hear her voice. I can't remember her movements... Why did we never videotape? How much more will I forget?
All of this sounds too crazy... I think I will go sleep now with my puppy pillow.
That is not stupid, silly, or crazy Brandy. Ok maybe a little crazy, honestly I couldn't tell ya, I am a Walker too so I think my “crazy” sensors are a little warped... ;) What I am sure of is that I love you, your Mom loves you, and God loves you. He knows what is right for you and when the right time for something really is. And being angry about that, is ok too.
ReplyDeleteGive it time she will come when you need it not want it. Jenni came to me last night for a breif monment, when I needed her. Jon.
ReplyDeleteBrandy-
ReplyDeleteSometimes when we're trying so hard to hold on to memories, we block ourselves from remembering them. Sometimes the memories may fade, they may be hard to remember, but they will come back. You will not forget your mom. She was unforgettable. If I close my eyes, I still remember her calling you by all three names, Brandy Lynn Walker!!!! Her shouting at you when you were doing an activity, that's my girl. No words will take away the pain....maybe time...maybe it will only lessen or come in waves. Be good to yourself during those times. She was strong and that strength has always been in you and your family. No one can take that away. Keep thinking of her and she will show herself in other ways. You may forget pieces and that may be difficult, but you won't forget her. She is in you and your family. The strength, the laughter, the love of life, the determination...so much. She is always there, she is always with you.
I like what Allison said!!!!
ReplyDeleteBig giant HUG from me to you!