I have really been doing well with happy posts... so if you are only out for happy - don't read this one.
Yesterday was 6 months... 6 months since I said goodbye to my mom for the last time, 6 months since I watched a flat line appear on the heart monitor, 6 months since I had my last parking ticket punched at John Hopkins... wow - 6 months. In some ways my brain says... "see, you made it pretty far... you are doing really good... the worst should be over by now" and in other ways my brain still goes blank and I want to curl up in a ball and cry.
But what I just realized tonight, is the compromises that my brain has made over that 6 months... the things I was willing to give up wanting and the things that I still ask for - even though I know I will never get it.
5 months ago... I remember thinking that I just needed to touch her again. I wanted to hug her, I wanted to hold her hand. I would rub her engagement ring that hangs on my neck and think about how she touched this same ring...
3 months ago... I remember thinking that it was okay if I couldn't touch her, but I just needed to talk to her again. I wanted to hear her voice in action. She didn't have to be talking about anything specific - just talking in general. I would rub her engagement ring that hangs on my neck and think about the movement of her hands when she would talk to me...
Today... I am thinking that it is okay if I can't touch her and if I can't talk to her, but I just need to see her again. I want to see her actions, watch her move. She doesn't even have to know that I am there... I could be invisible or something - I don't need to interact with her - just let me watch. I touch the engagement ring that hangs on my neck and think about the veins in her hangs that I would always notice as she worked...
When I give up the possibility of seeing her... what will I still want?
I wish I could give you even just one moment of any one of these precious gifts. It's hard to let go. Please help me remember what it is like to miss your mama, so I can remember that my three kids miss their first mama.
ReplyDeleteNever give up the possibility, because one day, ONE DAY, you will be reunited, but not today, you've still much to do for God.
ReplyDeleteYour post brings to mind one of my favorite passages in Gibran's book The Prophet: The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Remember most what brought (and will continue to bring) you joy. Thank you for vocalizing your thoughts and feelings so eloquently.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny the tiny things you remember when you want so badly to see someone again. I think about her hands a lot too...
ReplyDeletewaterworks03
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