Compromise...

I have really been doing well with happy posts... so if you are only out for happy - don't read this one.

Yesterday was 6 months... 6 months since I said goodbye to my mom for the last time, 6 months since I watched a flat line appear on the heart monitor, 6 months since I had my last parking ticket punched at John Hopkins... wow - 6 months. In some ways my brain says... "see, you made it pretty far... you are doing really good... the worst should be over by now" and in other ways my brain still goes blank and I want to curl up in a ball and cry.

But what I just realized tonight, is the compromises that my brain has made over that 6 months... the things I was willing to give up wanting and the things that I still ask for - even though I know I will never get it.

5 months ago... I remember thinking that I just needed to touch her again. I wanted to hug her, I wanted to hold her hand. I would rub her engagement ring that hangs on my neck and think about how she touched this same ring...

3 months ago... I remember thinking that it was okay if I couldn't touch her, but I just needed to talk to her again. I wanted to hear her voice in action. She didn't have to be talking about anything specific - just talking in general. I would rub her engagement ring that hangs on my neck and think about the movement of her hands when she would talk to me...

Today... I am thinking that it is okay if I can't touch her and if I can't talk to her, but I just need to see her again. I want to see her actions, watch her move. She doesn't even have to know that I am there... I could be invisible or something - I don't need to interact with her - just let me watch. I touch the engagement ring that hangs on my neck and think about the veins in her hangs that I would always notice as she worked...

When I give up the possibility of seeing her... what will I still want?

Thursdays...

Three weeks ago, a coworker, friend, and parent of one of my students and I came up with a great idea. I was going to start taking her son home from school with me on Thursday and to Hickory that evening for Special Olympics swim practice. It really took a LOT of cohersion to get Hunter (my student) to go along with this plan... but finally, the idea that John was gone and I was completely lonely every evening got the best of him and he just could not allow me to be lonely any longer:)

The first week was pretty rough - a lot of crying and reminders that his mom and dad really would be there to pick him up from swim practice and I was really not going to keep him forever... but Dina and Dudley won him over and pretty soon he was very happy with his decision to keep me company for one evening each week!

Despite the fact that my hair and face are totally greasy right now from being touched, hugged, rubbed, and kissed - I had such a fun night out :)

Let's just say that Thursdays have totally become my favorite night of the week! I LOVE that boy!

Edgy

I officially love the word edgy. I try to use it at least once an hour now... and it is totally what I am using to describe my new style.

I have decided that by going edgy with the hair... I had to go edgy with everything. I mean you can't have black hair - and wear pastels... I just don't think that will work for my. So, I have to say - this is a lovely excuse for doing some much needed shopping:) More black, more purple, more heels, more simplicity is the look I am now sporting. Becky is also happy about the change - because some after the great purge of my closet, some new clothing will be headed her way:)

Weekend of Change

This week was both Becky and Kaylinn hair change up week, however, after a short bout of hair envy I decided I was going to join the fun. And therefore, this week...

Kaylinn went from...
to...
Becky went from...
to...
And I went from...
to...

Good times people :)

Conversation with John

So -- John got to finally write me today. He was allowed to use government web sites... and so he was emailing me text messages and I was texting him emails back... I love technology. The messages were not long... or deep for that matter. Just a lot of jabber about missing each other and loving each other... but we soon figured out that we could send pictures. And here is the how the conversation went from there on...

John: Send me a picture of you right now.

Brandy:

John: Now send one of the dogs right now.

Brandy:

Brandy: Becky is hurt that you didn't ask for one of her... haha

John: I thought about it, but thought it might sound weird. Send me a group pic of the two of you and all the dogs. I am going to send you a picture too.

Brandy:

Brandy: The blur is Kaylynn... I didn't get your picture. Could you send it again?

John:

John: Do you have any more pictures that you could send?

Brandy: Do you have any of your face? Cause I miss it:)

Repost

I have really had no words for how I feel recently. So, I have decided to replay some comments and a song from my sisters blob... because it does sum up my weeping heart right now. The Substance of Things Hoped For: How Are You? - an update: "It seems the 'How are you?' question is being thrown around more often now that we are hitting a season when apparently I will miss my mom m..."

Here is where I am...

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

You have to hear the real song...