Conversation with John

So -- John got to finally write me today. He was allowed to use government web sites... and so he was emailing me text messages and I was texting him emails back... I love technology. The messages were not long... or deep for that matter. Just a lot of jabber about missing each other and loving each other... but we soon figured out that we could send pictures. And here is the how the conversation went from there on...

John: Send me a picture of you right now.

Brandy:

John: Now send one of the dogs right now.

Brandy:

Brandy: Becky is hurt that you didn't ask for one of her... haha

John: I thought about it, but thought it might sound weird. Send me a group pic of the two of you and all the dogs. I am going to send you a picture too.

Brandy:

Brandy: The blur is Kaylynn... I didn't get your picture. Could you send it again?

John:

John: Do you have any more pictures that you could send?

Brandy: Do you have any of your face? Cause I miss it:)

Repost

I have really had no words for how I feel recently. So, I have decided to replay some comments and a song from my sisters blob... because it does sum up my weeping heart right now. The Substance of Things Hoped For: How Are You? - an update: "It seems the 'How are you?' question is being thrown around more often now that we are hitting a season when apparently I will miss my mom m..."

Here is where I am...

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

You have to hear the real song...

Late... once again

Even though I live 1 minute from my school, I find that I arrive late almost every single day. Why? - you might ask...

As I was standing in my kitchen watching the minutes go by, I realized why... Because Dina and Dudley feel the need to begin eating their breakfast the moment that I pick up my keys to leave. And because they have just started eating - I feel really bad forcing them to go outside without breakfast.

So - what do I do? Stand there... and watch them eat.





















For those of you who know Dina, this is no small task for her. She has such a huge underbite that she cannot eat her food normally. She has to scoop it with her bottom jaw - then shake it down into her mouth. She also enjoys taking breaks while she is eating just to take a spin around the kitchen. I guess that is her breathing time. It takes her approximately 10 minutes to eat her 2 cups of food in the morning... which is why I am approximately 10 minutes late. And for all of you who say - well get up 10 minutes earlier -- remember the comment above... They ONLY begin eating when I pick up my keys to leave...

Veteran's Day Video

All of the pictures in this video were taken and compiled by David Hessell, a teacher at my school. Absolutely beautiful!

Get out your tissues...

I have watched this about 15 times today... and forced others to watch it too:) My heart still aches to see that smile.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

A collection of crazy thoughts...

Things are better. I tell myself that all the time and I don't think I am lying to myself. I smile more - I laugh more - I talk more - I forget more... I have more moments when I feel like my life is the same as it was 6 months ago. But it is not the same - and the little moments of breakdown remind me of that. The moment when I am leaning down in my closet putting up shoes and I start bawling for no reason. The moment when I accidentally reach for the phone and think "I have to call mom and tell her that." The moment when I get off the phone with my mother-in-law and cry because that was the closest mom conversation I have had in a long time... a long time? it has only been 2 months... I don't even know what a long time is yet.

I am used to getting things that I want. I am used to the idea that if I work harder, dig deeper, fight stronger - I will be able to finally achieve what I want. Even not being able to get pregnant - I still have the hope that it just isn't the right time. I can be more patient, pray more, try new things - and eventually God will bless me with my miracle. None of these strategies can be used to see my mom again - to have another conversation with her again. It doesn't matter what I do - what I want - what I need - what I pray for - what I scream for... she is gone and she is not coming back. I can't fix this one. There is no hope here. I hate that feeling.

I have heard people talk about having dreams about deceased family members - even being able to have a "conversation" with them in a dream or vision of sorts. If that stuff really happens, why hasn't she come back to talk to me. I feel angry about it sometimes. It is so stupid - I know - I am angry that I can't have coffee and a conversation with a ghost -- so silly. But if it is so silly, why am I still angry. Why wouldn't she want to come see me one last time? Why wouldn't God give me that one last glimpse of her? one last word? I need that so bad. I can't see her face anymore in my memory... I can't hear her voice. I can't remember her movements... Why did we never videotape? How much more will I forget?

All of this sounds too crazy... I think I will go sleep now with my puppy pillow.