My dad sent me his latest writing to post on this page. I truly hope that all of these thoughts, ideas, frustrations, and victories may find their way to the eyes of another who is struggling with loss as well...
I haven’t asked God to show me if Sue is in heaven, I know she is. I haven’t asked God if she is OK, I know she is. I have been struggling with the thought that I need to know if Sue’s life and her death was worth it. Especially the last 8 years starting with her cancer. And mostly the last 6 months since her bone marrow transplant. I had another revelation lying in bed this morning. I can’t say that it is God speaking to me, It just feels like all my knowledge and the things I’ve experienced and things I already know have been focused to one point to answer the question I’ve been waking up with for the last month. Yes! It is worth it. If just one person comes to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ through Sue’s struggles, through my pain, through my children’s suffering, IT IS WORTH IT. God uses our experiences and other people in life to bring us to a place where we will see that Jesus is the only answer to the problems we are having. Before you are saved it’s all about you and what you need to come to that point when you realize that you need God. After you accept Jesus into your heart, you ask him to take control and you give him your life……..YOU GIVE HIM YOUR LIFE. From this point on it’s not about you any more, it’s about GOD. All your struggles, all your talents, all your good days, all your bad days, all your weaknesses, all your strengths, all your sorrow and all your joy will be used for the glory of God. Your life belongs to him and he will use it in the most efficient way to bring more people to that same place that you had to come to, THAT YOU MAY BE SAVED. Count all your life experiences, good or bad, as blessings that will bring other souls into Christ. I still have this mountain to climb. I still have the pain to endure. I still have my fears to conquer, but now I know IT IS WORTH IT.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Slipping away...
Over a month has passed now and I have found that all of the emotions that once swam inside my brain have all stopped... the anger, the pain, the frustration, the confusion have all settled down and ended with just pure sadness and loss. I ache for her to badly - just for one more moment with her. Knowing that after that moment - I would ask for another. This sadness is so deep that I cannot even express it in my own words. Yet - I have found one person that can put my exact thoughts into words... CS Lewis. I have been reading his book A Grief Observed and some of his ramblings are word for word what I would have said - if I only had the words. And so... my post today comes from the words of CS Lewis - but are my thoughts and feelings, and maybe some of your thoughts and feelings too that you have never been able to express.
"I am thinking about her always. Things of the mom facts - real words, looks, laughs, and actions of hers. But it is my own mind that selects and groups them. Already, less than a month after her death, I can feel the slow, insidious beginning of a process that will make the mother I think of into a more and more imaginary woman. Founded on fact, no doubt. I shall put in nothing fictitious (or I hope I shan't). But won't the composition inevitably becomes more and more my own? The reality is no longer there to check me, to pull me up short, as the real mom so often did, so unexpectedly, by being so thoroughly herself and not me.
Today I had to meet a man I haven't seen for ten years. And all that time I had though i was remembering him well - how he looked and spoke and the sort of things he said. The first five minutes of the real man shattered the image completely. Not that he had changed. On the contrary. I kept on thinking, "Yes, of course, of course. I'd forgotten that he thought that - or disliked this, or knew so and so - or jerked his head back that way'. I had known all these things once and I recognized them the moment I met them again. But they had all faded out of my mental picture of him, and when they were all replaced by his actual presence the total effect was quite astonishingly different from the image I had carried about with me for those ten years. How can I hope that this will not happen to my memory of my mother? That it is not happening already? Slowly, quietly, like snow-flakes - like the small flakes that come when it is going to snow all night - little flakes of me, my impressions, my selections, are settling down on the image of her. The real shape will be quite hidden in the end. Ten minutes - ten seconds - of the real mom would correct all this. And yet, even if those ten seconds were allowed me, one second later the little flakes would begin to fall again. The rough, sharp, cleansing tang of her otherness is gone."
"I am thinking about her always. Things of the mom facts - real words, looks, laughs, and actions of hers. But it is my own mind that selects and groups them. Already, less than a month after her death, I can feel the slow, insidious beginning of a process that will make the mother I think of into a more and more imaginary woman. Founded on fact, no doubt. I shall put in nothing fictitious (or I hope I shan't). But won't the composition inevitably becomes more and more my own? The reality is no longer there to check me, to pull me up short, as the real mom so often did, so unexpectedly, by being so thoroughly herself and not me.
Today I had to meet a man I haven't seen for ten years. And all that time I had though i was remembering him well - how he looked and spoke and the sort of things he said. The first five minutes of the real man shattered the image completely. Not that he had changed. On the contrary. I kept on thinking, "Yes, of course, of course. I'd forgotten that he thought that - or disliked this, or knew so and so - or jerked his head back that way'. I had known all these things once and I recognized them the moment I met them again. But they had all faded out of my mental picture of him, and when they were all replaced by his actual presence the total effect was quite astonishingly different from the image I had carried about with me for those ten years. How can I hope that this will not happen to my memory of my mother? That it is not happening already? Slowly, quietly, like snow-flakes - like the small flakes that come when it is going to snow all night - little flakes of me, my impressions, my selections, are settling down on the image of her. The real shape will be quite hidden in the end. Ten minutes - ten seconds - of the real mom would correct all this. And yet, even if those ten seconds were allowed me, one second later the little flakes would begin to fall again. The rough, sharp, cleansing tang of her otherness is gone."
Friday, September 24, 2010
to make a difference...
It is always awe inspiring to watch stories about people who make a difference. I see these stories on the tv, hear about them from friends, and occasionally go to an event that is held for that one special person that means so much to many...
Last night, I got to be that special person - and it brought two hours of pure joy to my life. John and I headed out to our Special Olympics soccer practice as normal last night - I was ready to watch him coach his team for an hour and then head to Wendy's for our traditional meal after practice. But when we arrived, the athletes and families were setting up for a picnic dinner!! I was completely confused and kept asking what was going on -- but only got the answer... "It's a surprise."
Pretty soon, we were all seated and one of our athletes, who had just been inducted as a global messenger for Special Olympics, stood up and gave the most wonderful speech! He brought everyone in the place to tears as he recounted the first day I met him at his workplace and asked him to play basketball for Special Olympics... He went on to tell about how this organization has changed his life.
As I sat there, I looked around and saw the Special Olympic athletes that had become a family. One of the athletes said that it kind of feels like a club he gets to go to where everyone is his friend and everyone accepts him. I see the changes these last four years have brought in not only all of the athletes, but also their families who have people to rely on and bond with - who have others who understand their fight as a family with a member who has special needs.
I love them -- I love them all because they have become part of my family too. It is funny that I see it as a place where I am happy and accepted too -- I can just sit and feel that pure innocence and love of everyone that surrounds me when I am with my Special Olympics family.
Through his speech, the athlete told me how much of a difference I have made to Caldwell County and the families involved in Special Olympics. But really -- they have made a difference in me. I will never forget my years in charge of Special Olympics Caldwell County. I will never forget the day I said. "Sure, I will take over as local coordinator." I will never forget how many hours of work and prayer I put into our county to build up the sports. But - more importantly - I will NEVER forget this family.
If you have never been involved in this organization - try it - because it can change your life.
Thank you Caldwell County Special Olympic athletes and families for making all the difference in my life... you are cherished.
Last night, I got to be that special person - and it brought two hours of pure joy to my life. John and I headed out to our Special Olympics soccer practice as normal last night - I was ready to watch him coach his team for an hour and then head to Wendy's for our traditional meal after practice. But when we arrived, the athletes and families were setting up for a picnic dinner!! I was completely confused and kept asking what was going on -- but only got the answer... "It's a surprise."
Pretty soon, we were all seated and one of our athletes, who had just been inducted as a global messenger for Special Olympics, stood up and gave the most wonderful speech! He brought everyone in the place to tears as he recounted the first day I met him at his workplace and asked him to play basketball for Special Olympics... He went on to tell about how this organization has changed his life.
As I sat there, I looked around and saw the Special Olympic athletes that had become a family. One of the athletes said that it kind of feels like a club he gets to go to where everyone is his friend and everyone accepts him. I see the changes these last four years have brought in not only all of the athletes, but also their families who have people to rely on and bond with - who have others who understand their fight as a family with a member who has special needs.
I love them -- I love them all because they have become part of my family too. It is funny that I see it as a place where I am happy and accepted too -- I can just sit and feel that pure innocence and love of everyone that surrounds me when I am with my Special Olympics family.
Through his speech, the athlete told me how much of a difference I have made to Caldwell County and the families involved in Special Olympics. But really -- they have made a difference in me. I will never forget my years in charge of Special Olympics Caldwell County. I will never forget the day I said. "Sure, I will take over as local coordinator." I will never forget how many hours of work and prayer I put into our county to build up the sports. But - more importantly - I will NEVER forget this family.
If you have never been involved in this organization - try it - because it can change your life.
Thank you Caldwell County Special Olympic athletes and families for making all the difference in my life... you are cherished.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Cry for the day
Ever since my mom died, Nikole hasn't been up to going to her usual church hangout on Sunday night and Wednesday nights. I didn't think anything about it because she has been a lot more clingy to family recently, and I completely understand - because I am too. So tonight, I asked her if she was going to church and she emphatically told me..."NO! I'm staying home with dad."
Later this evening, my dad asked her if she wanted to go to church and she replied with the same comment. He told her that it was okay if she wanted to go. Her precious reply was...
"Then you would be home all alone."
Later this evening, my dad asked her if she wanted to go to church and she replied with the same comment. He told her that it was okay if she wanted to go. Her precious reply was...
"Then you would be home all alone."
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Page 72
For those of you who are unaware of the circumstances in my life since my last post, let me just throw this out there... my mom died. She died on August 19th at approximately 8:15... I say "approximately" because I don't really know exactly when her physical body died and her spiritual body headed for heaven. I'm not sure if it when I watched her take her last breath, when I saw her lips begin to whiten, when the heart monitor line actually went straight, or when the doctor looked at all of us, nodded, and quietly mouthed the words "she's gone."
All of this happened so quickly, and yet took so long at the same time. I really don't even feel the need to go into how all of the events transpired that left me sleeping on the hospital floor for 3 days, repeatedly kissing and smelling her loving hand each time I left the room just in case she died while I was gone, and eventually sitting exhausted at her left side as I watched her earthly life fade away. It took only 4 days... 4 days from the Sunday afternoon that the doctor told us there was really nothing more that he could do... 4 days for the anti-rejection medicine that was supposed to save her to kill her... 4 days to say good-bye to a body that I loved so very much, a voice that I heard every day, and eyes that I was drawn to from the day I was born.
And so... this now leaves me, three weeks later, looking through a book titled Good Grief, by Granger E. Westberg. (if you haven't read my sister's blog post - How are you? - now would be a good time to do that) And this book gives real words to the unreal feelings that I have every single day. So, today, I am on page 72...
"When we have something precious taken from us, we inevitably go through a stage when we are very critical of everything and everyone ... We spare no one in our systematic scrutiny of the event, attempting to understand exactly why this thing happened... If we talk to the minister and are encouraged to admit what we really think, one day we may say, 'Why did God do this to me?' or 'How can He be a God of love if He treats people like this?' With Thomas Carlyle we cynically say, 'God sits in His heaven and does nothing.' While we are in this mood, we look at everyone with a jaundiced eye."
All of this happened so quickly, and yet took so long at the same time. I really don't even feel the need to go into how all of the events transpired that left me sleeping on the hospital floor for 3 days, repeatedly kissing and smelling her loving hand each time I left the room just in case she died while I was gone, and eventually sitting exhausted at her left side as I watched her earthly life fade away. It took only 4 days... 4 days from the Sunday afternoon that the doctor told us there was really nothing more that he could do... 4 days for the anti-rejection medicine that was supposed to save her to kill her... 4 days to say good-bye to a body that I loved so very much, a voice that I heard every day, and eyes that I was drawn to from the day I was born.
And so... this now leaves me, three weeks later, looking through a book titled Good Grief, by Granger E. Westberg. (if you haven't read my sister's blog post - How are you? - now would be a good time to do that) And this book gives real words to the unreal feelings that I have every single day. So, today, I am on page 72...
"When we have something precious taken from us, we inevitably go through a stage when we are very critical of everything and everyone ... We spare no one in our systematic scrutiny of the event, attempting to understand exactly why this thing happened... If we talk to the minister and are encouraged to admit what we really think, one day we may say, 'Why did God do this to me?' or 'How can He be a God of love if He treats people like this?' With Thomas Carlyle we cynically say, 'God sits in His heaven and does nothing.' While we are in this mood, we look at everyone with a jaundiced eye."
Monday, March 22, 2010
Heading out of the valley.
Well, I finally feel as if I am walking out the other side of the valley. God has shown me His faithfulness, His strength and His power and truth during these trials that I have faced over the past few months. I am honestly and changed person becase of what God has led me through and although it has hurt to very much - I made it with Him by my side.
My miscarriage: I learned that I CAN place all of my hope in God. I CAN trust Him for a miracle and I will not be crushed even if that miracles does not come to pass. I can believe that He will grant me a miracle, and if he doesn't, I know that He will hold my hand until I come to the other side.
John's absence: I learned that God is the only one that I can lean on. John was such a huge support to me in all ways - and although he is meant to be my earthly support, God is the only one that can carry me through my trials. I have grown to love and cherish my alone time with God - which I have to say often competed with my alone time with John in the past and I know that this time must continue even when John returns. It is necessary to have time with my Daddy.
Healing and death: I learned that God can provide for ALL! He is the all-sufficient. At the beginning of my mom's trial, I would try to bargain for her life. I constantly asked God what he wanted from me in order for her to be saved. Then, I remember at one point in her battle thinking that her life would be taken in replacement of another. I felt like maybe I should be willing to give up a miracle for my mom in the hopes that my sister-in-law could have the miracle. I remember thinking that my mom's miracle should go to her instead. I felt like if she could have that miracle then it would be okay for my mom not to have it. I would bargain the same way for a 25 year old man that I never knew - the husband of an old high school friend. His life was just beginning when he died from cancer. As he was battling during the last months of his life, I remember thinking - God - take my mom's miracle and give it to him. So - finally God said to me - "I can give all three a miracle if I want to! I don't have a limit on the miracles that I can provide. If I don't give a miracle, it is because I chose not to - not because one person had to sacrifice for the sake of another."
The journey: So much more happened on my journey in the valley and so many more lessons were learned. I feel as if I have been tested - but I learned these lessons despite the pain and despite the trial. I learned that God's way is best no matter what I understand. I still don't understand why He gives and takes - but I know that He stays with me no matter what happens.
I can feel myself climbing the last few steps out of my valley. God is still with me - but He is walking next to me now and no longer carrying me. I am stronger - I trust Him more - and I am MORE faithful. And although I am not completely out of that valley yet - God has taught me to be joyful in the valley. To place my joy in Him - and not where I am in the world.
And now my heart and I are sweetly singing-
Singing without the sound of tuneful strings;
Drinking abundanct waters in the desert;
Crushed, and yet soaring as on eagle's wings.
S. P. W.
Friday, March 12, 2010
THE RESULTS ARE IN!!!!
I first have to apologize to all of you for not updating my blog in forever! I have returned back to NC and spend the last two weeks teeting on the edge of a complete nervous breakdown. Why??? I really don't know. I guess everything that has happened over the past two months has finally begun to sink in. Before, the hustle and bustle kept my mind off of everything - but it had to be dealt with sooner or later I guess. So between the grad school, teaching, training for the 1/2 marathon, coaching track, and attempting to get my jewelry business started again - the miscarriage, transplant, and John's absence has finally hit home (and watching The Time Traveler's Wife did NOT help!! - I am seriously traumatized by that movie.)
Ugh - I could cry just looking at that picture. So - my blog has taken a back seat to real life - which gets better every day. I have found my new solice in the actual physical act of teaching my students in school. When I am working with my kids, nothing else matters. I feel like the only thing that is important is their happiness, their learning, and just THEM! They become my everything and the stress of life drifts away in their smiles and laughs. I LOVE making them laugh and enjoy life. Their hugs and silly comments are medicine to my soul. I wish that I could post pictures of their beautiful faces - but we all know this would be COMPLETELY against privacy rights. And so, all I can do is apologize to you all that you do not get to experience what I do each day in my classroom because it is WONDERFUL!!!! (Well - Monte, Sylvia, and Becky get to experience it - they are lucky too:)
Now - on to the best news of all. As I was sitting under the dryer at the hairdresser today (hehe - I finally got my hair cut!!!! and I love it short), I get a call from my sister. When I answer the phone she says, " I have two words for you . . . 100% donor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Well - I guess that is more like three words - but I just realized that. My mom's DNA results came back and ALL of her DNA is MINE!!!!! I don't really know if you even know about the test - but to make a long story short - the doctors did a DNA test to determine if my stem cells were actually grafting and working. Her counts were going up - but we did not know whose cells were causing this rise -- and YEAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! - it is me:) So - although I am still trying to wrap my head around the idea that my mom and I have the exact same DNA (because that is a little weird - don't you think?) I am sooooooooooooooo SUPER excited because it worked. It really worked!!!
So - my mom has been released to start shopping, eating out, getting massages, and living life again! And she even gets to go back to work in May! I just can't even believe it and I am still just basking in the miracle that I was able to witness. God is so amazing and I am forever humbled by what he gives to his children.
PS - my haircut looks super cute - well, at least I think so - but I am a bit partial I guess!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)