Cry for the day

Ever since my mom died, Nikole hasn't been up to going to her usual church hangout on Sunday night and Wednesday nights. I didn't think anything about it because she has been a lot more clingy to family recently, and I completely understand - because I am too. So tonight, I asked her if she was going to church and she emphatically told me..."NO! I'm staying home with dad."

Later this evening, my dad asked her if she wanted to go to church and she replied with the same comment. He told her that it was okay if she wanted to go. Her precious reply was...

"Then you would be home all alone."

Page 72

For those of you who are unaware of the circumstances in my life since my last post, let me just throw this out there... my mom died. She died on August 19th at approximately 8:15... I say "approximately" because I don't really know exactly when her physical body died and her spiritual body headed for heaven. I'm not sure if it when I watched her take her last breath, when I saw her lips begin to whiten, when the heart monitor line actually went straight, or when the doctor looked at all of us, nodded, and quietly mouthed the words "she's gone."

All of this happened so quickly, and yet took so long at the same time. I really don't even feel the need to go into how all of the events transpired that left me sleeping on the hospital floor for 3 days, repeatedly kissing and smelling her loving hand each time I left the room just in case she died while I was gone, and eventually sitting exhausted at her left side as I watched her earthly life fade away. It took only 4 days... 4 days from the Sunday afternoon that the doctor told us there was really nothing more that he could do... 4 days for the anti-rejection medicine that was supposed to save her to kill her... 4 days to say good-bye to a body that I loved so very much, a voice that I heard every day, and eyes that I was drawn to from the day I was born.

And so... this now leaves me, three weeks later, looking through a book titled Good Grief, by Granger E. Westberg. (if you haven't read my sister's blog post - How are you? - now would be a good time to do that) And this book gives real words to the unreal feelings that I have every single day. So, today, I am on page 72...

"When we have something precious taken from us, we inevitably go through a stage when we are very critical of everything and everyone ... We spare no one in our systematic scrutiny of the event, attempting to understand exactly why this thing happened... If we talk to the minister and are encouraged to admit what we really think, one day we may say, 'Why did God do this to me?' or 'How can He be a God of love if He treats people like this?' With Thomas Carlyle we cynically say, 'God sits in His heaven and does nothing.' While we are in this mood, we look at everyone with a jaundiced eye."

Heading out of the valley.

Well, I finally feel as if I am walking out the other side of the valley. God has shown me His faithfulness, His strength and His power and truth during these trials that I have faced over the past few months. I am honestly and changed person becase of what God has led me through and although it has hurt to very much - I made it with Him by my side.

My miscarriage: I learned that I CAN place all of my hope in God. I CAN trust Him for a miracle and I will not be crushed even if that miracles does not come to pass. I can believe that He will grant me a miracle, and if he doesn't, I know that He will hold my hand until I come to the other side.

John's absence: I learned that God is the only one that I can lean on. John was such a huge support to me in all ways - and although he is meant to be my earthly support, God is the only one that can carry me through my trials. I have grown to love and cherish my alone time with God - which I have to say often competed with my alone time with John in the past and I know that this time must continue even when John returns. It is necessary to have time with my Daddy.

Healing and death: I learned that God can provide for ALL! He is the all-sufficient. At the beginning of my mom's trial, I would try to bargain for her life. I constantly asked God what he wanted from me in order for her to be saved. Then, I remember at one point in her battle thinking that her life would be taken in replacement of another. I felt like maybe I should be willing to give up a miracle for my mom in the hopes that my sister-in-law could have the miracle. I remember thinking that my mom's miracle should go to her instead. I felt like if she could have that miracle then it would be okay for my mom not to have it. I would bargain the same way for a 25 year old man that I never knew - the husband of an old high school friend. His life was just beginning when he died from cancer. As he was battling during the last months of his life, I remember thinking - God - take my mom's miracle and give it to him. So - finally God said to me - "I can give all three a miracle if I want to! I don't have a limit on the miracles that I can provide. If I don't give a miracle, it is because I chose not to - not because one person had to sacrifice for the sake of another."

The journey: So much more happened on my journey in the valley and so many more lessons were learned. I feel as if I have been tested - but I learned these lessons despite the pain and despite the trial. I learned that God's way is best no matter what I understand. I still don't understand why He gives and takes - but I know that He stays with me no matter what happens.

I can feel myself climbing the last few steps out of my valley. God is still with me - but He is walking next to me now and no longer carrying me. I am stronger - I trust Him more - and I am MORE faithful. And although I am not completely out of that valley yet - God has taught me to be joyful in the valley. To place my joy in Him - and not where I am in the world.

And now my heart and I are sweetly singing-

Singing without the sound of tuneful strings;

Drinking abundanct waters in the desert;

Crushed, and yet soaring as on eagle's wings.

S. P. W.

THE RESULTS ARE IN!!!!

I first have to apologize to all of you for not updating my blog in forever! I have returned back to NC and spend the last two weeks teeting on the edge of a complete nervous breakdown. Why??? I really don't know. I guess everything that has happened over the past two months has finally begun to sink in. Before, the hustle and bustle kept my mind off of everything - but it had to be dealt with sooner or later I guess. So between the grad school, teaching, training for the 1/2 marathon, coaching track, and attempting to get my jewelry business started again - the miscarriage, transplant, and John's absence has finally hit home (and watching The Time Traveler's Wife did NOT help!! - I am seriously traumatized by that movie.)

Ugh - I could cry just looking at that picture. So - my blog has taken a back seat to real life - which gets better every day. I have found my new solice in the actual physical act of teaching my students in school. When I am working with my kids, nothing else matters. I feel like the only thing that is important is their happiness, their learning, and just THEM! They become my everything and the stress of life drifts away in their smiles and laughs. I LOVE making them laugh and enjoy life. Their hugs and silly comments are medicine to my soul. I wish that I could post pictures of their beautiful faces - but we all know this would be COMPLETELY against privacy rights. And so, all I can do is apologize to you all that you do not get to experience what I do each day in my classroom because it is WONDERFUL!!!! (Well - Monte, Sylvia, and Becky get to experience it - they are lucky too:)

Now - on to the best news of all. As I was sitting under the dryer at the hairdresser today (hehe - I finally got my hair cut!!!! and I love it short), I get a call from my sister. When I answer the phone she says, " I have two words for you . . . 100% donor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Well - I guess that is more like three words - but I just realized that. My mom's DNA results came back and ALL of her DNA is MINE!!!!! I don't really know if you even know about the test - but to make a long story short - the doctors did a DNA test to determine if my stem cells were actually grafting and working. Her counts were going up - but we did not know whose cells were causing this rise -- and YEAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! - it is me:) So - although I am still trying to wrap my head around the idea that my mom and I have the exact same DNA (because that is a little weird - don't you think?) I am sooooooooooooooo SUPER excited because it worked. It really worked!!!

So - my mom has been released to start shopping, eating out, getting massages, and living life again! And she even gets to go back to work in May! I just can't even believe it and I am still just basking in the miracle that I was able to witness. God is so amazing and I am forever humbled by what he gives to his children.

PS - my haircut looks super cute - well, at least I think so - but I am a bit partial I guess!

Thoughts on being a housewife . . .

I am typically a very very busy person - almost to the point of being so busy that it isn't really healthy to my relationships. I work a full time job, I work a part-time job, I run Special Olympics for my county (another part time volunteer position), and I am currently pursuing my master's degree. So obviously I do have alot of extra time in my schedule to be a wife . . . This sounds weird but it is sadly true.

So over the past three weeks here in PA, I am obviously not working my full time job, I am not working my part time job, and I have not been running Special Olympics (with the exeption of some odd email here and there for my Bball teams). And although my husband is at boot camp, my mom is currently - hmmm . . . how to phrase it . . . on hiatus by doctors orders when it comes to cooking, cleaning, and running errands. So, my life has very suddenly changed to that of a housewife (despite the fact that I am still doing masters program work). I know that many many people are very happy being a housewife, but it is just not my cup of tea. I have compiled my personal pro/con list of this lifestyle. Could I ever get used to it . . . maybe - but probably not.

Pros:
1) TLC, Food Network, and HGTV: I officially LOVE these three channels and do not know how I would get through a day without them. Cake Boss, Say Yes to the Dress, Challenge, Property Virgins . . . the list goes on and on! These shows get me through the laundry folding and vaccuming and have become my personal friends. I am really going to miss them when I go back to work and I have to say that I am glad we have a TV that can record shows (I just don't know how to use it).
2) Starbucks: Running errands is SO MUCH more enjoyable with a good latte in hand. Thankfully, there is now a Starbucks in Shrewsbury, which happens to be where the Walmart, pet store, and grocery store are located. It is also close to the church AND the YMCA where I run Nikole for many activities! How perfect!

3) I am really struggling to come up with a third number - I feel that I should have a third, but I just don't.

Cons:

1) Cooking: I am a TERRIBLE cook - I am not joking you to say that I really am bad at it. I feel so bad that my father has had to go from my mom's cooking to my cooking - that is really sad! John cooks at our house thankfully, but that does not help my dad out at all. Thank goodness for Mignano Brothers - the super tasty pizza shop right down the road.

2) Cleaning: I HATE cleaning and I don't think I am really good at that either. I mean I can clean - but I don't know what to use for what. I used a swiffer duster today to clean the wooden floors in the living room -- I mean it doesn't seem like I should have used that but I really don't know what else to use!!! At home in NC, I had to hire a housecleaner for a couple of months JUST so I could learn what materials clean what - oh that is so so sad.

3) Grocery Shopping: WAY too many options at these grocery stores. Like, I just want chicken - there are too many chicken parts, fresh or frozen, and 3 brands of each of these! I just stand there staring at the chicken for like 10 minutes until I get so frustrated that I don't even buy any. I know this sounds NOT normal - and I acknowledge that it is not normal - but it is really what happens to me. That is why at home I shop at ALDI! I love that store because there is only ONE brand of everything - it is perfect for me:)

I am sure there are other things to being a housewife - but I don't even know about them. The only think I think I am good at doing is laundry. So, at least my mom, dad, Nikole, and I will have clean clothes.

All in all, I think I am really good at my full-time and part-time job. I am good at my part-time volunteer position and I am good at what I do in school. But, sadly, I am just not at being a housewife. Sorry John:)

Blizzard Pics!!!

Well, within the past week, we have had over 40 inches of snow here!!!! I have not seen this much snow in such a long time and let me tell you the dogs LOVE it! Here is a little picture progression of our week of snow . . .
As the snow started, my mom and dad bedded down in a hotel in Baltimore about 1 mile from the hospital. We knew that they would not be able to drive from our house to the hospital, so we hoped that they would at least be able to walk there if needed.Back in PA, we started the snow removal process. We had to keep the deck clear so that the dogs could have a place run outside to go to the bathroom. My parents older dog will go to the bathroom on the deck if it is covered with snow.

This is what the front of our house looked like 2 days later. We were completely snowed in!!! My dad called and told us that he wanted us to attempt to shovel out the cars. So, I got ready to head out . . .




After just a short bit, I called my dad and asked him how he expected me to do this!! It was like an impossible task!


But, after a lot of hard work and determination, here was my final product! I was so proud of myself.


In the end, I think we had about 25 inches of snow in those two days. Then, two days later, the snow started again! This time, the doctor gave us permission to give mom her shot from the house so we did not have to drive up to the hospital. As we shoveled, played, and shoveled, the inside crowd watched HGTV, TLC, and the food network:)


Here is my dad ON TOP OF OUR POOL!!!

The most fun part of this blizzard was helping the dog forge trails in the snow! They wanted to run in the snow, but it came up over their head. So, we walked around the yard to create trails for them. Here are some of our play pics:)

I had to throw poor Dina into the snow bank just to see how tall it was!!! She would swim out! It was so funny.

This is my FAVORITE picture of my boy! He loved chasing the birds through the trails! He would run and then poke his head up over the snow bank like a meer cat to see where he was then get back down and keep running:)
Of course we would come in occasionally for some snow breaks:)





Here is me and Tootsie hiding in one of the tunnels and staying warm! The wind was crazy!

At the end of each play session, we had to actually bathe Kaylynn in hot water because this is what she looked like!!! The snow caked to her and made snowballs that clung to her hair!


Ahhh , at the end of the second storm, we had seen another 20 inches of snow! So, my dad is once again preparing to dig out the cars, the dogs are probably out for the night, I am going to make dinner and watch a little "Say Yes to the Dress", and my mom powers on while relaxing in the bed.

And one more piece of information . . . the weather forcast is calling for snow again on Monday:) I may never be able to get back to NC.

Sigh

That is how I feel right now. It has officially been 5 days since I left the hospital. There have been ups and downs for my mom. Ups including some nice conversations about food that she wanted to cook or eat and downs including some throwing up and a very late night trip to the ER after her first day of chemo treatment following the transplant. But all in all, things seem to be pretty good right now. We are sitting back at our house in PA, next to the fire, and everyone is home and healthy (well as healthy as can be expected) and content.

Becky and I came home yesterday afternoon, took a looooooooong nap, ate pizza, and then went back to bed while Mom and her friend Patty took on the last day of chemo, endured more sickness, and spent the last night in the suite next to the hospital. Then, Becky and I spent 5 hours cleaning and sanitizing mom's bathroom and bedroom and stacking the house with hand sanitizer so we could cleanly welcome her home this evening. She is once again looking quite perky and talking about food - which is our signal that she is feeling pretty good:)

And so . . . as the bruises on my butt get bigger and bigger (still unsure as to why that is), I guess it is about time to get back to the regular grind of life. Back to grad school due dates, daily hour drives to and from the hospital for bloodwork, cooking, cleaning, and sitting by the fire in between. For the time being though, half-marathon training WILL be placed on hold. And to top off the week . . . I got to talk to John for a whole 10 minutes last night!!!!

It seems that day +5 transplant brings a simple kind of content feeling. I have spent the day thinking about my husband, praying for an old high school friend, and talking with an old college friend. I thank all of you for your prayers for me - it seems I am healing up fine despite the ugly looking marks. So, it is time to turn our prayers towards my stem cells that are floating around in my mom. I pray for them to be strong and productive in their quest to take over my mom's stem cells and make their own white blood cells. Love to you all:)