Virtual Baby Shower

"Walker Virtual Baby Shower"

Filmed January 13th

Video quality is on the low side but the content is worth it!

Justified

Justification... Grace... Redemption... Righteousness...

Romans 3:23-26... in my life today

I have sinned...

I have sinned so badly that it seems that there is no where to go from here... I have hit the bottom - the pit - my personal hell on earth...

I have sinned and am deprived of the glory of God...

I will always fall short of God's glory. I am not glorious... I am human... Nothing I do or say will ever allow me to live up to what God wants from me... and because of my sin I lose the glory of God... My sin has taken the glory of God out of my life, out of my heart, out of my world. I feel the deprivation... I can't go lower... - and my sin brought me here...

I have sinned and am deprived of the glory of God... but I am JUSTIFIED...

JUSTIFIED: he marked me RIGHT... not just okay... not just "slipping past" but RIGHT...

He marked me right, JUSTIFIED me, FREELY by His GRACE...

GRACE: by His FAVOR... not just by his love - not just that I am good enough to be with him... but actual FAVOR... by His FAVOR that is undeserved... so so undeserved

I have sinned and am deprived of the glory of God... but I am JUSTIFIED freely by His GRACE through the REDEMPTION in Christ Jesus

REDEMPTION: not just through the forgiveness that Jesus' act give me... but through the knowledge that I am forgiven and PROTECTED from hell... forgiven and saved

I have sinned and am deprived of the glory of God... but I am JUSTIFIED freely by His GRACE through the REDEMPTION in Christ Jesus...

Why did He do this... why did He justify me?... why did He redeem me?... why is He gracious to me?

... to prove His righteousness in the present time...

He marked me as right, as good, as perfect... to show me his nature here and TODAY... to show me who He is

... to prove His righteousness in the present time, that He might be righteous and justify the one who has FAITH in Jesus...

so that I can be RIGHT... not just good enough... not just average... I can be PERFECT because of my FAITH...

... the one who has FAITH in Jesus...

FAITH: belief in God... period... the acceptance of God's facts - no in between... either faith or no faith... belief or no belief

I have sinned and am deprived of the glory of God... but I am JUSTIFIED freely by His GRACE through the REDEMPTION in Christ Jesus...... to prove His righteousness in the present time, that He might be righteous and justify the one who has FAITH in Jesus...

MY FAITH WILL SAVE ME!

I am standing in a courtroom... I declare myself guilty... dirty... stained... broken

The judge looks at me... declares me NOT GUILTY... clean... pure... whole... forgiven... saved... protected

August 25th

August 25th, 2011.....

.....should have been the first day back to school for me and all of my babies

.....should have been the day I got to see their smiling faces

.....should have been the day when I would put into action all of the planning that I had been doing for the two days prior to that

August 25th, 2011.....

......was the day that I once again left my Granite Falls friends and students behind

......was the day that I drove back to Charlotte with tears streaming down my face

......was the day that I realized just how much I was made to be a teacher

I cannot wait for August 25, 2012.....

The much awaited... bounce house birthday:)

My birthdays usually consist of flowers, a new outfit, and a wonderful dinner with my husband. I love our birthday tradition and have to say that I felt totally lucky that he was back in NC on March 8th this year so we could do it again!

However, this year was very, very different for me because it was my 30th birthday!!!!! So after a month of total mid-life crisis in February and after my sweet husband spoiled me once again on my actual birthday.... I decided to top this year off with a real birthday party - complete with a bounce house, giant cupcake, tutu, and martini bar...

The day started with early preparations of pre-mixing martinis and baking cupcakes.

Then... the bounce house arrived!!! I purposefully planned for the bounce house to arrive a couple of hours prior to my guests because I wanted some time all to myself. For those of you who don't know, I am obsessed with bounce houses. I love them and really feel that they should not be considered exclusively for children. So anyway, I spent about 2 hours prior to the arrival of guests just playing around, sitting, napping, and simply enjoying my personal bounce house!










The rest of the day went as a typical birthday party would... visiting, laughing, eating, drinking... so much fun was had that I forgot to take that many pictures.

At the end of the night, I have to say I realized WHY 30 year olds do not have bounce houses for their birthday parties. WOW -- my back, legs, and even arms??? hurt from the bouncing - my back being the worst of all! We also realized at the end of the night, that we had eaten so many of the other cupcakes, that the giant cupcake had not been touched:)

So today, after church, Becky and I sang Happy Birthday -- and we dug in. Notice I am looking a lot less festive the following day -- this is mainly due to the back issues...

Despite the soreness... I did find myself today goggling how much it would be to actually purchase a bounce house to keep....... because I am still obsessed with them!

Thank you to all my friends who shared the day with me:) It was wonderful!

Compromise...

I have really been doing well with happy posts... so if you are only out for happy - don't read this one.

Yesterday was 6 months... 6 months since I said goodbye to my mom for the last time, 6 months since I watched a flat line appear on the heart monitor, 6 months since I had my last parking ticket punched at John Hopkins... wow - 6 months. In some ways my brain says... "see, you made it pretty far... you are doing really good... the worst should be over by now" and in other ways my brain still goes blank and I want to curl up in a ball and cry.

But what I just realized tonight, is the compromises that my brain has made over that 6 months... the things I was willing to give up wanting and the things that I still ask for - even though I know I will never get it.

5 months ago... I remember thinking that I just needed to touch her again. I wanted to hug her, I wanted to hold her hand. I would rub her engagement ring that hangs on my neck and think about how she touched this same ring...

3 months ago... I remember thinking that it was okay if I couldn't touch her, but I just needed to talk to her again. I wanted to hear her voice in action. She didn't have to be talking about anything specific - just talking in general. I would rub her engagement ring that hangs on my neck and think about the movement of her hands when she would talk to me...

Today... I am thinking that it is okay if I can't touch her and if I can't talk to her, but I just need to see her again. I want to see her actions, watch her move. She doesn't even have to know that I am there... I could be invisible or something - I don't need to interact with her - just let me watch. I touch the engagement ring that hangs on my neck and think about the veins in her hangs that I would always notice as she worked...

When I give up the possibility of seeing her... what will I still want?

Thursdays...

Three weeks ago, a coworker, friend, and parent of one of my students and I came up with a great idea. I was going to start taking her son home from school with me on Thursday and to Hickory that evening for Special Olympics swim practice. It really took a LOT of cohersion to get Hunter (my student) to go along with this plan... but finally, the idea that John was gone and I was completely lonely every evening got the best of him and he just could not allow me to be lonely any longer:)

The first week was pretty rough - a lot of crying and reminders that his mom and dad really would be there to pick him up from swim practice and I was really not going to keep him forever... but Dina and Dudley won him over and pretty soon he was very happy with his decision to keep me company for one evening each week!

Despite the fact that my hair and face are totally greasy right now from being touched, hugged, rubbed, and kissed - I had such a fun night out :)

Let's just say that Thursdays have totally become my favorite night of the week! I LOVE that boy!

Edgy

I officially love the word edgy. I try to use it at least once an hour now... and it is totally what I am using to describe my new style.

I have decided that by going edgy with the hair... I had to go edgy with everything. I mean you can't have black hair - and wear pastels... I just don't think that will work for my. So, I have to say - this is a lovely excuse for doing some much needed shopping:) More black, more purple, more heels, more simplicity is the look I am now sporting. Becky is also happy about the change - because some after the great purge of my closet, some new clothing will be headed her way:)

Weekend of Change

This week was both Becky and Kaylinn hair change up week, however, after a short bout of hair envy I decided I was going to join the fun. And therefore, this week...

Kaylinn went from...
to...
Becky went from...
to...
And I went from...
to...

Good times people :)

Conversation with John

So -- John got to finally write me today. He was allowed to use government web sites... and so he was emailing me text messages and I was texting him emails back... I love technology. The messages were not long... or deep for that matter. Just a lot of jabber about missing each other and loving each other... but we soon figured out that we could send pictures. And here is the how the conversation went from there on...

John: Send me a picture of you right now.

Brandy:

John: Now send one of the dogs right now.

Brandy:

Brandy: Becky is hurt that you didn't ask for one of her... haha

John: I thought about it, but thought it might sound weird. Send me a group pic of the two of you and all the dogs. I am going to send you a picture too.

Brandy:

Brandy: The blur is Kaylynn... I didn't get your picture. Could you send it again?

John:

John: Do you have any more pictures that you could send?

Brandy: Do you have any of your face? Cause I miss it:)

Repost

I have really had no words for how I feel recently. So, I have decided to replay some comments and a song from my sisters blob... because it does sum up my weeping heart right now. The Substance of Things Hoped For: How Are You? - an update: "It seems the 'How are you?' question is being thrown around more often now that we are hitting a season when apparently I will miss my mom m..."

Here is where I am...

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

You have to hear the real song...

Late... once again

Even though I live 1 minute from my school, I find that I arrive late almost every single day. Why? - you might ask...

As I was standing in my kitchen watching the minutes go by, I realized why... Because Dina and Dudley feel the need to begin eating their breakfast the moment that I pick up my keys to leave. And because they have just started eating - I feel really bad forcing them to go outside without breakfast.

So - what do I do? Stand there... and watch them eat.





















For those of you who know Dina, this is no small task for her. She has such a huge underbite that she cannot eat her food normally. She has to scoop it with her bottom jaw - then shake it down into her mouth. She also enjoys taking breaks while she is eating just to take a spin around the kitchen. I guess that is her breathing time. It takes her approximately 10 minutes to eat her 2 cups of food in the morning... which is why I am approximately 10 minutes late. And for all of you who say - well get up 10 minutes earlier -- remember the comment above... They ONLY begin eating when I pick up my keys to leave...

Veteran's Day Video

All of the pictures in this video were taken and compiled by David Hessell, a teacher at my school. Absolutely beautiful!

Get out your tissues...

I have watched this about 15 times today... and forced others to watch it too:) My heart still aches to see that smile.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

A collection of crazy thoughts...

Things are better. I tell myself that all the time and I don't think I am lying to myself. I smile more - I laugh more - I talk more - I forget more... I have more moments when I feel like my life is the same as it was 6 months ago. But it is not the same - and the little moments of breakdown remind me of that. The moment when I am leaning down in my closet putting up shoes and I start bawling for no reason. The moment when I accidentally reach for the phone and think "I have to call mom and tell her that." The moment when I get off the phone with my mother-in-law and cry because that was the closest mom conversation I have had in a long time... a long time? it has only been 2 months... I don't even know what a long time is yet.

I am used to getting things that I want. I am used to the idea that if I work harder, dig deeper, fight stronger - I will be able to finally achieve what I want. Even not being able to get pregnant - I still have the hope that it just isn't the right time. I can be more patient, pray more, try new things - and eventually God will bless me with my miracle. None of these strategies can be used to see my mom again - to have another conversation with her again. It doesn't matter what I do - what I want - what I need - what I pray for - what I scream for... she is gone and she is not coming back. I can't fix this one. There is no hope here. I hate that feeling.

I have heard people talk about having dreams about deceased family members - even being able to have a "conversation" with them in a dream or vision of sorts. If that stuff really happens, why hasn't she come back to talk to me. I feel angry about it sometimes. It is so stupid - I know - I am angry that I can't have coffee and a conversation with a ghost -- so silly. But if it is so silly, why am I still angry. Why wouldn't she want to come see me one last time? Why wouldn't God give me that one last glimpse of her? one last word? I need that so bad. I can't see her face anymore in my memory... I can't hear her voice. I can't remember her movements... Why did we never videotape? How much more will I forget?

All of this sounds too crazy... I think I will go sleep now with my puppy pillow.

Cinnamon Snot Ball

Today we conducted an experiment - please see report below for details.

Background Information:
Over the past two weeks I have been attempting to create my delicious breakfast coffee in a more "natural" manner...a.k.a. cut out the SUGAR! I remembered one time my mom putting cinnamon in her Starbucks coffee and it made it sweeter than mine. So, I decided cinnamon it is. Everything was going well. Coffee was sweet. I added more cinnamon every day until I started dumping about 2 tablespoons of cinnamon into the bottom of my coffee cup...but I was loving the outcome.

One day I came home from work and went to clean out my coffee cup only to find a GINORMOUS cinnamon snot ball in the bottom of the cup. I'm not joking here people. I am going to detail the scene for you - unscrew the white top of the travel mug; grasp the pink handle and tip it to the side thinking there is nothing in it (why would there be? I had drank all the coffee that morning); one hard shake (it's just my routine); suddenly a dark blob slowly creeps out and drops into the drain; wide eyes, blink multiple times to make sure I'm not seeing things, look between the cup and the sink multiple times, then set the cup down; gingerly pick up the drain stopper by the edge because the thing in the middle is covered by cinnamon slime; THE SLIME BALL DOES NOT SLIDE THROUGH THE DRAIN HOLES!!!; drop the stopper and turn on water...clogged sink from a cinnamon slime ball; dump cinnamon slime ball onto a paper towel and inspect it; throw out cinnamon slime ball.

After immediately deciding to not sweeten with cinnamon until this mystery was solved, sugar made a repeat appearance in my coffee. We (Becky and I) decided to investigate the cinnamon snot ball phenomenon through the scientific process this weekend.

Hypotheses:
Dad's hypothesis: when large amounts of cinnamon are added to any hot drink, a cinnamon snot ball will occur.

John's hypothesis: when large amounts of cinnamon are added to any hot, acidic drink, such as coffee, a cinnamon snot ball will occur.

Other possible variables could be consistent drinking motion, sealed container, presence of milk and amount of cinnamon.

Materials:
Keurig (star performer in this experiment)
2 K-cups
milk
5 mugs
cinnamon
water
cups
ice

Methods:
1 - after 4 mile run prepare 2 pumpkin spice coffees with the Keurig and sprinkle a dash of cinnamon on the top of each
2 - place 2 tablespoons of cinnamon in the bottom of 3 cups
3 - use Keurig and one K-cup to put hot coffee in cup 1; use Keurig and no K-cup to put hot water in cup 2; use microwave to heat milk and add to cup 3

4 - allow all cups sit for a minimum of 2 hours and observe
5 - place 2 tablespoons of cinnamon in the bottom of 2 new cups
6 - use Keurig to make a coffee and cool with ice to match room temperature water
7 - put room temperature coffee in cup 4; put room temperature water in cup 5
8 - allow both cups to sit for a minimum of 2 hours and observe


Results:
Original morning pumpkin spice coffees did not result in a cinnamon snot ball, and thus the variable of amount of cinnamon was kept constant in all further experiments as it was a factor. Sprinkles of cinnamon do not seem to create snot balls.


Cup 1 (hot, coffee) resulted in a HUGE cinnamon snot ball. Cup 2 (hot water) resulted in HUGE cinnamon snot ball. Cup 3 (hot milk) did not result in snot ball. It was still clumped, but powder when broken apart.
Please note the drain clogging ability of the hot water cinnamon snot ball. This was not an action shot - this was being held there for an extended period of time (my cell phone is VERY slow at taking pictures, believe me)

Cup 4 (room temperature coffee) resulted in smaller snot ball. It was not as stretchy or viscous as warmer counterpart. Cup 5 (room temperature water) resulted in smaller snot ball. Same as room temperature coffee. Milk was not tested in the cold temperature experiment as it did not create a snot ball in the previous test.

Discussion:
Neither hypothesis was correct. As it turned out neither the heat, nor the acidity can completely explain the cinnamon snot ball phenomenon. Pure milk did not create a snot ball, indicating the extreme basic nature of milk did not allow it to form. Water, which should be neutral, did. One possible uncontrolled variable is the pH of the water. In the future an experiment should be run using both well and bottled water, preferable testing all water and other liquids with a pH test. Another uncontrolled variable is the actual cinnamon used. It is possible that Aldi's cinnamon needs to returned for it's promised refund. In the future an experiment should be run using different brands of cinnamon.

Throughout the experiment we kept questioning how Starbucks could create a cinnamon dulce latte without a cinnamon snot ball. To finalize our experiment we headed to Starbucks and engaged in a detailed conversation with a brand new employee as to the ingredients in a cinnamon dulce latte. No employee in the store was aware of the cinnamon snot ball phenomenon because Starbucks uses LIQUID cinnamon flavor. However, we believe that if the CEO of Starbucks was aware of this the cinnamon phenomenon the cinnamon shaker would be removed from the counter as a sweetening option. Do you know what's looming at the bottom of your Starbucks cup?

Written by my dad...

My dad sent me his latest writing to post on this page. I truly hope that all of these thoughts, ideas, frustrations, and victories may find their way to the eyes of another who is struggling with loss as well...

I haven’t asked God to show me if Sue is in heaven, I know she is. I haven’t asked God if she is OK, I know she is. I have been struggling with the thought that I need to know if Sue’s life and her death was worth it. Especially the last 8 years starting with her cancer. And mostly the last 6 months since her bone marrow transplant. I had another revelation lying in bed this morning. I can’t say that it is God speaking to me, It just feels like all my knowledge and the things I’ve experienced and things I already know have been focused to one point to answer the question I’ve been waking up with for the last month. Yes! It is worth it. If just one person comes to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ through Sue’s struggles, through my pain, through my children’s suffering, IT IS WORTH IT. God uses our experiences and other people in life to bring us to a place where we will see that Jesus is the only answer to the problems we are having. Before you are saved it’s all about you and what you need to come to that point when you realize that you need God. After you accept Jesus into your heart, you ask him to take control and you give him your life……..YOU GIVE HIM YOUR LIFE. From this point on it’s not about you any more, it’s about GOD. All your struggles, all your talents, all your good days, all your bad days, all your weaknesses, all your strengths, all your sorrow and all your joy will be used for the glory of God. Your life belongs to him and he will use it in the most efficient way to bring more people to that same place that you had to come to, THAT YOU MAY BE SAVED. Count all your life experiences, good or bad, as blessings that will bring other souls into Christ. I still have this mountain to climb. I still have the pain to endure. I still have my fears to conquer, but now I know IT IS WORTH IT.

Slipping away...

Over a month has passed now and I have found that all of the emotions that once swam inside my brain have all stopped... the anger, the pain, the frustration, the confusion have all settled down and ended with just pure sadness and loss. I ache for her to badly - just for one more moment with her. Knowing that after that moment - I would ask for another. This sadness is so deep that I cannot even express it in my own words. Yet - I have found one person that can put my exact thoughts into words... CS Lewis. I have been reading his book A Grief Observed and some of his ramblings are word for word what I would have said - if I only had the words. And so... my post today comes from the words of CS Lewis - but are my thoughts and feelings, and maybe some of your thoughts and feelings too that you have never been able to express.

"I am thinking about her always. Things of the mom facts - real words, looks, laughs, and actions of hers. But it is my own mind that selects and groups them. Already, less than a month after her death, I can feel the slow, insidious beginning of a process that will make the mother I think of into a more and more imaginary woman. Founded on fact, no doubt. I shall put in nothing fictitious (or I hope I shan't). But won't the composition inevitably becomes more and more my own? The reality is no longer there to check me, to pull me up short, as the real mom so often did, so unexpectedly, by being so thoroughly herself and not me.

Today I had to meet a man I haven't seen for ten years. And all that time I had though i was remembering him well - how he looked and spoke and the sort of things he said. The first five minutes of the real man shattered the image completely. Not that he had changed. On the contrary. I kept on thinking, "Yes, of course, of course. I'd forgotten that he thought that - or disliked this, or knew so and so - or jerked his head back that way'. I had known all these things once and I recognized them the moment I met them again. But they had all faded out of my mental picture of him, and when they were all replaced by his actual presence the total effect was quite astonishingly different from the image I had carried about with me for those ten years. How can I hope that this will not happen to my memory of my mother? That it is not happening already? Slowly, quietly, like snow-flakes - like the small flakes that come when it is going to snow all night - little flakes of me, my impressions, my selections, are settling down on the image of her. The real shape will be quite hidden in the end. Ten minutes - ten seconds - of the real mom would correct all this. And yet, even if those ten seconds were allowed me, one second later the little flakes would begin to fall again. The rough, sharp, cleansing tang of her otherness is gone."

to make a difference...

It is always awe inspiring to watch stories about people who make a difference. I see these stories on the tv, hear about them from friends, and occasionally go to an event that is held for that one special person that means so much to many...

Last night, I got to be that special person - and it brought two hours of pure joy to my life. John and I headed out to our Special Olympics soccer practice as normal last night - I was ready to watch him coach his team for an hour and then head to Wendy's for our traditional meal after practice. But when we arrived, the athletes and families were setting up for a picnic dinner!! I was completely confused and kept asking what was going on -- but only got the answer... "It's a surprise."

Pretty soon, we were all seated and one of our athletes, who had just been inducted as a global messenger for Special Olympics, stood up and gave the most wonderful speech! He brought everyone in the place to tears as he recounted the first day I met him at his workplace and asked him to play basketball for Special Olympics... He went on to tell about how this organization has changed his life.

As I sat there, I looked around and saw the Special Olympic athletes that had become a family. One of the athletes said that it kind of feels like a club he gets to go to where everyone is his friend and everyone accepts him. I see the changes these last four years have brought in not only all of the athletes, but also their families who have people to rely on and bond with - who have others who understand their fight as a family with a member who has special needs.

I love them -- I love them all because they have become part of my family too. It is funny that I see it as a place where I am happy and accepted too -- I can just sit and feel that pure innocence and love of everyone that surrounds me when I am with my Special Olympics family.



Through his speech, the athlete told me how much of a difference I have made to Caldwell County and the families involved in Special Olympics. But really -- they have made a difference in me. I will never forget my years in charge of Special Olympics Caldwell County. I will never forget the day I said. "Sure, I will take over as local coordinator." I will never forget how many hours of work and prayer I put into our county to build up the sports. But - more importantly - I will NEVER forget this family.

If you have never been involved in this organization - try it - because it can change your life.

Thank you Caldwell County Special Olympic athletes and families for making all the difference in my life... you are cherished.

Cry for the day

Ever since my mom died, Nikole hasn't been up to going to her usual church hangout on Sunday night and Wednesday nights. I didn't think anything about it because she has been a lot more clingy to family recently, and I completely understand - because I am too. So tonight, I asked her if she was going to church and she emphatically told me..."NO! I'm staying home with dad."

Later this evening, my dad asked her if she wanted to go to church and she replied with the same comment. He told her that it was okay if she wanted to go. Her precious reply was...

"Then you would be home all alone."